WTF Jamie?

It seems like more and more lately I have to remind myself that it only takes a few people to spoil a bunch. While I am not a religious man I do not fault people who are. More often I commend then on believing in something and standing by it. There was a time I thought that religion helped teach social norms and have to be good to a stranger. I think faith and spirituality are wonderful ideas. I worry that these people who are guided by religion but not ruled by it are being lumped into a stereotype idea of a "Christian?" I myself am not one but I also say you are free to be, just don't tread on me. I hope that people out there are able to find a balance because right now the situation looks bad. The extremist Christian movement is wanting to take over the country and if you don't believe exactly what they do then you are wrong,therefore not creditable and if you defy them they might even shoot you(thanks NRA). Delay might be the most evil man in this country hiding behind the shield of being a Christian. Read his call to arms.
http://news.yahoo.com/newstmpl=story&u=/nm/20050323/pl_nm/rights_schiavo_politics_dc

I would never ask someone to give up their faith I only ask two things:

1. Make a reasonable, well informed judgment instead of letting your preacher think for you.

2. Keep YOUR god out of MY government!!!!

You would think that a group that wanted to protect the right to bear arms would be a group that would also want to teach gun owners responsibility of gun ownership. This group had no shame in having a rally after the Columbine shooting with absolute no respect to family, and friends of those victims. In the years since then they have made little moves in teaching and promoting responsible gun behavior. I am all for hunting rifles but what a hunter needs with a semi automatic weapon is beyond my conception and I would LOVE for someone to explain why they would need such a weapon in their house. Speaking of which, the Republican Party being the puppets of these extremist groups that they are were more than happy to let the ban on these types of weapons expire. In the time since we have seen a rise in gun related deaths. Look at the past two weeks with the murders in the Texas courtroom, the Atlanta Courtroom, the shootings in Philly, the lady who shot people at church and now another school shooting, the worse since Columbine. You may not hear too much about this case given that this happened in a poor, Native American area. As the economic situation here worsens for the poor and middle class, violent crime rises, it is a fact. Can we afford the go back to the 80's where in most large cities was at an all time high? When are people going to wake up and stop blaming t.v. and finally start addressing the issue? I would love to know why the NRA should not be more accountable for what they promote. In my eyes this is a dangerous and irresponsible group that needs to make their motives clear. No longer will the "right to bear arms" be a suitable answer because it is bigger than that and they know it. No more mind games, grow up NRA and be the responsible organization you claim to be.

In other news I found out that the rulers of the USA are not required to justify their actions. What's new you say? Well did you know that the group in place to guard against terrorism doesn't have to justify any of its action to Congress, so they have more power than Bushy himself. Considering the people who lead this group that is scary. Also if you are questioned or held on the suspicion that you could be a terrorist and then later let go because you aren't one, it is illegal for you to tell anyone about it. BULLSHIT, the first person I would talk to is CNN. I would walk right downtown and have a sit down with Anderson Cooper. We have been bullied and scared into giving up our liberties as Americans. We are pushing closer to a government controlled by only a few and mostly on a federal level. Isn't this what Reagan told everyone to fear during the cold war? Was it not the leading point against the Democrats then? How long before this government has non-Christians rounded up for moral obstruction. Are we becoming 1940's Germany? I doubt it, but the similarities are scary.

My sister came for a visit this weekend which was just what I needed. She and I are really close and we don't often get to spend one on one time together, so it was just nice to have her to myself for a few days. During her visit we discuss our family a good bit. She lives closer to my parents and grandparents so she often fills me in on details my parents omit. She explained to me that my grandfather is not doing well and is not able to get around very well and that his paranoia is beginning to become a major problem. I have written a few entries about him and his strange ways but this conversation was sad and sobering. As strange as he can be I have always admired the man. He has always been very kind to others and had a will like no one I have ever met. To know that he is now dependent on others breaks my heart. I spoke with him today and his words were the same but I also know his spirit is broken. Death is never something we look toward no matter how inevitable it is. I know he is a fighter and will go when he is good and ready but I wonder if in his current state he sits and waits for it? I wonder if in away we all do? Do we sit and lament what we never did or do we smile at all we have accomplished? I told him I love him when we ending our chat but I never told him how much his life has meant to me. I worry saying those words to him may only make him think I have given up on him but really know I wish I could be more like him.

I was sitting in Taco Bell today in a bit of a funk (what's new) when I noticed an employee having her lunch. She couldn't be more than twenty and I noticed she was expecting. At this sight my mind started to make up scenarios of her life. I imaged how hard things must be to be that young and having to make ends meet while dealing with future of being a mother providing for her child. In reality I really don't know her story but I know that her expression was that of someone with great worries and she was exhausted. I spend most of my time in here writing of my worries and strife mostly because I need a sounding board for myself to process the crap in my head. This brief instance today was a reminder that everyone has troubles and makes me want to make mine work for me while working to give something back to those who are less fortunate than myself. In theory this sounds grand but I honestly believe that the littlest spark can make a flame. The past week has been about the person I strive to be verses the person I am. I realize I set lofty goals and then beat myself when I fall short, but the ideal I need to keep in mind is that I have to continue to peruse those goals and not to get lost in the process. I will be a better friend, brother, son and person but please be patient if I fall short time to time. I can only hope that my overall contribution will outweigh my failures.

I went into the Yacht Club for a drink with Drago and Dixon. Now this bar is mix of bikers, stage performers, musicians and Little 5 locals which only adds to the bar's mystic. As we were having our drink at the bar a man walks in wearing a tuxedo shirt and pants carrying a pet carrier cage. About the time we started to ask the question the bartender says "that's ____ and his magic rabbits! WTF? She explains that he is a local magician who uses two rabbits in his act. As she explains this a crowd of ladies start to gather around the cage and he opens it and pulls out the largest rabbit I have ever seen. Before I know really what is happening he produces a deck of cards has us look them over to prove they are regular cards, then has us pick a card from the deck. He then puts that card back with the others and then spreads the cards out in front of the rabbit who is able to pick the chosen card from the deck with it's teeth. Before I could call a time out the act was repeated three more times. Great know I am blessed with the knowledge that there is a rabbit out there with more talent than me!

I decided to pull out some old CDs to listen to today. I found a collection of songs by local bands from college and decided that would do. As the music played I found myself drifting back to a wonderful place. At the time I did not know it but these were defining moments not only in my taste in music but in who I have become today. The music was not something you would hear on the radio but a very independent sound, shaped in chords that meant more than selling albums. Groups like Jupiter Coyote, Cravin Melon, Gran Turino, and Jump Little Children made there way around college towns playing to crowds who paid $5 for a ticket. Life was so unknown then, the world seemed mine to discover. Thanks for the ride back guys.

Oh Pop Culture and the oddities of Hollywood. It is amazing what having more money than God will make you do. Take Julie Roberts for example. She falls head over heals for some dude that worked on the set of one of her movies and wants to marry him. The problem is The man is married already! That is not even the crazy part. So this Oscar winning actress decided to pay-off the mans wife to divorce him so they can get married. I have seen this guy and all I can say is he must be giving out some hot lovin cause he is not much to look at. Maybe it was his wit and in depth perspective on set lighting that won her over, who knows. All I know is that is CRAZY!!!! Now they live in New Mexico on a ranch raising those twins she just popped out. If these are the people we look up to how in hell is anyone going to have a happy and stable relationship. One day you are the happy ever after couple and the next someone is giving you money to get out the way. I think all parties in this case are guilty and we should be able to throw rotten fruit at them as punishment for making this "news worthy." I think she is a fine actress, oh Shelby why did you have that baby, I just want to believe in Happily Ever After and this crazy nut is paying off wives to divorce their husbands. Now the wife I will say was smart. She was going to lose her husband and why would she even want to keep him after he ran around on her so she made some money on the deal, oh the American way. Now this guy, he has cheated on his wife who is to say he won't cheat on Julia and maybe with someone more famous and with more money, nah that's crazy talk.

I stole the title of this entry from a book I read last year. It was stories about artist of all types who have major disabilities and how they have adapted to their particular hardship and use it to inspire their work. I picked up the book mainly because I have some background in employment law and more specific The Americans with Disabilities Act. The book dealt a great deal with ADA and I thought it would be a good read. That being said this entry has little to do with the book or its subject matter. It is the title that moved me to write today. I was going to title it brain purge two but that is boring. I love self discovery and last week I spent time listening to me and thinking about my actions and this is the crap that stuck with me.

I am not perfect, nor to I pretend to be. I let my dirty laundry pile up, I love to sleep late, I hate crowded places, I hate pretending and gay boys in tank tops, I despise the smell of canned tuna, even surrounded by people I often feel lonely and disconnected, I live to make others happy which often makes me miserable, I lust too much and love even more, I live in fear of my health, I still think about Nick from time to time and even sometimes smile,fucker, I like used cloths, and cheesy movies, two glasses of wine make tipsy and one margarita makes me horny, I love that first drag of a cigarette and after that it is just not as good, I watch a lot of porn, and the computer is the closest thing to a relationship I have, I have not had "the sex" in years and I hate sympathy hand jobs, Reality TV frustrates me but I loved Project Runway, I like staying in with friends playing games and gay men often frighten me, I worry about dying and leaving nothing, I want to make the world a better place, yet sometimes I am self-consumed, I like being the optimistic one but often find it tiring, I get lost, I have no direction. Sunshine, jellybeans and shit like that , is that what I am? It is deeper and darker but I hate letting go, giving in. I have a light, I want to shine, I love what life has waiting for me. No one judges me but me, I am who I am and I like being weird, strange and a dork, I find myself today more comfortable,self- assure, and independent than ever but yet I still have fears and troubles and worries. Don't we all?