WTF Jamie?

My sister came for a visit this weekend which was just what I needed. She and I are really close and we don't often get to spend one on one time together, so it was just nice to have her to myself for a few days. During her visit we discuss our family a good bit. She lives closer to my parents and grandparents so she often fills me in on details my parents omit. She explained to me that my grandfather is not doing well and is not able to get around very well and that his paranoia is beginning to become a major problem. I have written a few entries about him and his strange ways but this conversation was sad and sobering. As strange as he can be I have always admired the man. He has always been very kind to others and had a will like no one I have ever met. To know that he is now dependent on others breaks my heart. I spoke with him today and his words were the same but I also know his spirit is broken. Death is never something we look toward no matter how inevitable it is. I know he is a fighter and will go when he is good and ready but I wonder if in his current state he sits and waits for it? I wonder if in away we all do? Do we sit and lament what we never did or do we smile at all we have accomplished? I told him I love him when we ending our chat but I never told him how much his life has meant to me. I worry saying those words to him may only make him think I have given up on him but really know I wish I could be more like him.