WTF Jamie?

Me. and you

2008-10-22T17:39:00.001-07:00

Us, and them
And after all we're only ordinary men.
Me, and you.
God only knows it's noz what we would choose to do.
Forward he cried from the rear
and the front rank died.
And the general sat and the lines on the map
moved from side to side.
Black and blue
And who knows which is which and who is who.
Up and down.
But in the end it's only round and round.
Haven't you heard it's a battle of words
The poster bearer cried.
Listen son, said the man with the gun
There's room for you inside.

Fall Down

2008-10-20T20:28:00.000-07:00

Thanks TAWS

She said "I'm fine, I'm okay"
Cover up your trembling hands
There's indecision when you know you ain't got nothing left
When the good times never stay
And the cheap thrills always seem to fade away
When will we fall

This is the dawning of the....

2007-08-08T07:22:00.000-07:00

The Moon's square to your key planet Uranus can bring unexpected change into the basic structure of your life today. You may be offered a second chance to break out of a restrictive situation. Even if this stirs up stress, act right away and just deal with the consequences later. By Rick LevineWednesday, August 8, 2007

Apologize

2007-08-07T08:49:00.000-07:00

I love this song.

It's a very, very mad world

2006-11-12T12:10:00.000-08:00

I have come to the realization that everyone is crazy but some of us repress it better than others. The strange part is the grip to remain sane in others eyes is maddening itself. Ah bitter irony. What if we let go, loosen the grip and see where the road takes us? I ask myself that question several times a week. I am driving somewhere and out of the blue a voice in my head says "just keep going and see where the road takes you."

I saw Running with Scissors this weekend and I have to say I was pleased. The acting was terrific but what I loved most was people left saying "that was not as funny as I thought it was going to be" or "that was a bit disturbing." Thank you for capturing exactly how I felt after I read that book. It was not a funny story but more of a lost childhood with funny moments.

I think the lack of a emotional and physical relationship has taken it's toll. I take steps forward but end up just cowering in the corner somewhere, hiding in seclusion. The phone rings less, the desire leaves and I am left with some carnal rage mixed with emotional and terminal repercussions. The idea that I could hurt someone I care about is too frightening to handle so I keep it all inside like we are taught to do. As of late my relationships are splitting time between my computer, my playstation, my IPOD and Tivo. I can feel the room shrinking and the scariest part is I find comfort in it. My ability to perform socially is slipping away and I find some peace with that reality.

My top songs at the moment:

1. Grazed Knees - Snow Patrol
2. It Won't Make it Easier - Small Sins
3. Catch the Sun - The Doves
4. Your Heart is an Empty Room - Death Cab for Cutie
5. The Ring Song - The Bravery
6. Caring is Creepy - The Shins
7. Neighborhood #2 (Laika)- Arcade Fire
8. Munich - The Editors
9. Time to Dance - Panic at the Disco
10. Mad World - Donnie Darko Soundtrack

MIA, Bad information, California and Resignation

2006-08-23T07:39:00.000-07:00

Hey that title is like a poem or something.....

Ok lots to get on here so I will do some bullet recaps and if there is any question then I guess ask away.

1. So I went back to the derm to have my tumor removed and he told me that in fact it was not malignant but it was a tumor that needed to be removed because they often mutate into maligantesy (is that a word?) so either I misunderstood the assistant or she wasn't clear. I still had to have a cube of my flesh removed and then get stitches and now I have this narley scar. So the biopsy they ran on the large chunk still had some growth in it but the edges were clear so that means all good. Thank you all for your nice emails and calls and such during my melt down and dealings with this.

2. As promised I took my sister to NOCAL as a graduation gift this summer. The timing was perfect because California's heat wave had just ended and ours was just beginning. This was my first trip to California where I was the experienced one so I was a little nervous but very excited too. So Jen and I flew into SFO on a Wednesday morning and grab a car and drove immediately to Twin Peaks. As expected it was a bit cold for her and we did not stand out there too long. So back in the car and off to Sonoma Valley. I drove across the Golden Gate for the first time which was exciting and were torn threw the ever changing landscape. We decided to hit a few vineyards in the Russian River Valley and then back track to our hotel in Rohnert Park. As expected the places in Sonoma were less intimate as the ones I had visited in Napa but I would strongly recommend a stop a the J winery if you are out that way. The people were extremely friendly and the wine was really good. Next door to J was one of my favorite big vineyards, Rodney Strong, which I was very excited to visit. If you are there DON"T waste your time. The people were extremely rude and almost bothered by our presence. As we drove back to our hotel I realized the great deal I got came with a small price, it was a dump but we sucked it up because it was only for one night and we were heading out very early the next morning. That evening we decided to have a drink and a snack at the Chili's across the street from the hotel. As we were finishing up our meal we received a special welcome from California in the form of a four second earthquake. It was small and just rattled the place and made our seats shake and the menus fall down, it was over before I realized what it was. Of course my sister is a bit disturbed but I assured her, with my earthquake expertise, that it was ok. Of all the times I have visited California never has this happened but of course my sister's first trip there and this small little fault in Sonoma Valley has to burp. We laughed it off and went back to the hotel where the news said it was a 4.4 and had shown where one house had some minor structure damage. We finally relaxed and went to sleep. The next morning we headed out towards Napa. The drive over the hills and mountains to Napa was so pretty and a bit fun. We stopped in Calistoga for a great breakfast on the main strip and then made our way down Napa Valley stopping a several outstanding vineyards. We drove back to the city that afternoon and the whole way I was praying for a better hotel. Taylor had found this great deal about a week before the trip and I decided to cancel my hotel and go with this deal. Well the hotel was outstanding. It was also very close to the MUNI bus stops and right beside the California Cable Car turn around so we played tourist on the cable car a lot but it made getting around so easy. So I drug Jen all over the city, The Haight, The Ferry Building, Chinatown, North Beach, The Castro, Nob Hill, etc.. We had a blast, had some great eats and even witness two street people had a knock out fist and spitting fight on a bus...ah the land of the crazies and I feel right at home. Jen really enjoyed the trip and through everything that made it worth wild to me.

3. In other news I quit my job at the nursing school. The time was regretful because two other people from our office had quit in the three weeks before but I was ready to make a change and a great opportunity presented itself to me and I jumped. I am staying here at the university and working in fundraising but in a different capacity that makes me excited about going to work again.

So that is a quick update on me. I am sure to be back really soon to discuss the approach of football season, my October concert schedule and maybe even a few more rants about what irks me the most...The Bush Dictatorship of America, but until then.
Take care of yourself and each other.

It's not a tumor...

2006-07-20T07:57:00.000-07:00

Actually Arnold it is.

Last week I was at the dermatologist for one of my semi annual check ups and had him look at a very small bump that I noticed maybe two months ago. It always felt a bit sore but just look like a little bug bite or maybe an ingrown hair. After examining it he decided it was most likely a calcium deposit but the only way to be sure is to biopsy it. He took a core sample, which is like taking a straw and jamming it into your skin, but luckily he deadened the area first. Once the sample had been taken he was able to take out the remaining parts of the mass for safe measure. He was way too into this, as he showed me all the stuff removed and then chatted to me about it as he sewed me up. I got two real stiches! I have never had the real deal before.

Since he thought that it nothing major I really forgot about the mass and was more hyped about my narley stiches. On Monday though I got a call from his office assistant. The biopsy revealed that the mass was a malignant tumor and I needed to come back so he could remove a larger area of my arm to make sure that it was all gone.

At first thought I did not think at all, I just smiled and made my return appointment and went on about my day. As it all sunk in, the crazy reared it's ugly head. My uncle of no blood relation had a place on his arm he ignored and ended up losing his arm from the elbow down and now has a hook. I have always dreamed of being a pirate but never Captain Hook. If something else happens to me I swear I am going to need Suzanne Sugarbaker's luggage because when I come to the table I bring a big ole bag of nuts. Yeah I clean up ok but who in the right mind would want to deal with all my crap? A person better than me that is for sure.

Ok after I got home from my one man pity party I said the phrase that has always pulled me through, "It could always be worse." It's true, it really could be a thousand times worse and I am very lucky in many respects. Besides it is just another thing for me to get passionate about and educate the masses. I want the role of inspirational leader over martyr.

So tomorrow morning I will go have the alien mass removed. Just one more thing that I refuse to let beat me.

Hopes and Fears

2006-07-11T07:16:00.000-07:00

I am the wussy guy who gets obsessed by a song, who will sit and my room and cry while playing it over and over. Lately I have been manic with my emotions and latched onto a song.

The set up: I just bought the new Keane CD " Under the Iron Sea", which is amazing. I also loved their last CD "Hopes and Fears" If you have not listened to all, both either I highly recommend them both. From start to finish, great music.

Back to the story: Well the song in question is from "Hopes and Fears" and I decided to post the lyrics below but I suggest listening to the song. Great song.

We Might as Well be Strangers

I don't know your face no more
I feel the touch that I adore
I don't know your face no more
It's just a place, I'm looking for

We might as well be strangers in another town
We might as well be living in a different world
We might as well...

I don't know your thoughts these days
We're strangers in an empty space
I don't understand your heart
It's easier, to be apart

We might as well be strangers in another town
We might as well be living in another town
We might as well...
We might as well be strangers! Be strangers

For all I know of you now.....

High and Dry

2006-07-11T06:54:00.000-07:00

This was my Jamie Cullum weekend and it did not disappoint. I fell for his take on music and the world just about two years ago when I listened to an interview he gave on NPR and instantly I was hooked. The problem was that twentysomething had a few more weeks before it released in the US. Since buying that first CD I have since purchased the concert DVD and his newest CD "Catching Tales" all of it great stuff. He is creative, imaginative, extremely talented and puts on hell of a show. My next step on my road to obsessed fan was to see him live, which I had to opportunity to do with Victoria last March and he did not disappoint. He jumped on the piano, got under it and beat it while singing Golddigger, he played the drums and almost fell numerous times. The show was the best single performance I had every seen by someone (although Rufus is a very close second). That show was special also because it was my introduction to Brandi Carlile who is another great artist.

Maybe a week before the Tabernacle show in March I found out that Jamie was coming back to Atlanta and I made it my goal to be there. I woke early one Sunday morning and even though I had to buy a crappy Train (the group) ticket I was able to get two seats so I could take Kyle. A few weeks later I find out he is going to do 3 shows right before the show in Atlanta and the Atlanta show is his last stop on the US tour. I decided I could afford one more show and so I looked at Knoxville and Nashville. I decided the Knoxville show gave me a better chance and good seats and at the time worked well for my friend and fellow fan Travis to go with me.

Travis ended up with a work conflict so I decided to take Keri instead because I know she loves a good show. So not to dwell on the details Keri and I drove to Knoxville, watch and great show and two days later I was at another show this time with Kyle.

Now that it is all done I actually wish I had gone to Nashville as well. After the last show I am left electrified but disappointed that, at least for a while, there are no more shows. I am anxiously awaiting the release of his spring European dates hoping that I can time my London trip this spring so that I can catch another show.

Yeah he is my Jason....

Grounded

2006-07-03T08:10:00.000-07:00

Shut me in
Throw away the key
Everytime I venture out
Madness finds me

I'll have 20 fish tacos and a side of Mexican food.

2006-06-26T11:26:00.000-07:00

Best friends are not easy to come by. They take a great deal of work,understanding and luck. I will never know why I have been so blessed to have more than one but I would have never made it this far without each of them.

Because it was a day that ended in "Y" Taylor decided that we had not spent much time together just the two of us since he moved to DC a year and a half ago, so he cashed in some points and flew me out to San Diego to meet him for some fun in the sun. SD is a very laid back town with things to do but never things you HAVE to do. After working like a mad man the last few months I relished the idea of a relaxing trip.

San Diego is special because that was our first trip together. It was during that trip that we discovered that we travel well together, especially driving from San Diego to Phoenix via the desert. The return trip was well over due and we did all the fun things like Hamburger Mary's, the cliffs in La Jolla and hanging out at the boarder of Mexico, where I bought a pair of orange pants for $4.97 ! (I am so ready for football now!)

Taylor decided to take two days of the trip to see Palm Springs. He also surprised me with a 1 hour spa trip. Palm Springs was really a one of a kind place and I was really taken back by how drastically the landscape and temperature shifts there.

The biggest bonding element between Taylor and I is our undying love for all foods of the Mexican persuasion. I say that because "we" know the difference between Chipotle and Baja Fresh, between Texas and California and why Moe's don't know crap about fish tacos. Our love is so great that we almost ate it every meal on the trip and I still came home and had some Taco Bell because it is all different.

Now on my first trip to San Diego I discovered the fish taco because SD is the birthplace of it. I was hooked!!! Since then I have found good fish tacos, no actually great fish tacos in Atlanta but you always remember your first and when it comes to first love and fish tacos only one word is spoken. Rubio's. If you have never had a spicy fish taco from there then I suggest you fly out to California this very second and eat two. I was actually sad to leave knowing I could not have them at home but Taylor reminded me that I could have more when I am in San Francisco with Jennifer in August.

Taylor has been my angel on several occasions and as always he came in a rescued me at the right moment. This was a awesome trip, filled with lazy days, beaches, great conversation and lots of food.

Thanks Taylor, I love ya.

Back in the Highlife again....

2006-06-26T06:38:00.000-07:00

Festival time is Atlanta is often too much for me to handle. Masses of drunk, annoying people are scarier than zombies to me so I usually avoid the large ones (Dogwood, Music Midtown, Jazz etc...).This weekend I broke the rule and ventured out. I actually went to two festivals in the same day!!!! One of my best friends in the world was in town for the Pride Festival this weekend. * My Pride disclaimer *
1. Masses of gay men annoy me more than anything even more than drunk sorority girls. Sure there is things to look at but when that many get together the obnoxious levels go through the roof. I like mine in the small circle variety.

2. As Rob stated in his latest entry. There is really nothing political about it anymore. Just one big party for people to act in ways that set us back 10 years in the we are just like you department.

3. I am a misfit among them anyway so maybe it's angst but it's me so accept it. You do your thing and I will do mine.

Back to my story. So I met Brad, Jamie and James out Friday night at a sports bar close to their hotel. It was fun as we laughed and picked kicking back with a few beers. Saturday I actually got up early and went to the gym then headed over to Midtown to meet up with them at the park. After finally finding a parking place and walking two miles to the park I met up with the guys. Ok there were so many people there and it was so hot that I actually was disoriented. Two observations:

1. GLBT people come in all, shapes,sizes, races and modesty levels.
2. I know that I am the King of the South of 20 slackers. I have not been to a bar in Midtown (before Friday night) in many months, and I spend all my time in East Atl and L5P establishments. The reason I point this out is all those people I saw in the hour and a half I was in the park and I saw ONE person I knew.

After leaving the guys at the park I heaed home to meet Keri and Vic and head down to the East Atlanta Village and The Earl for the 10th Annual Corndog-O-Rama. Ok this thing was a blast. Hipsters, hippies and corndogs everywhere. The crowd was much smaller than the one in Midtown, like a neighborhood BBQ. Vic had signed up for the corndog eating contest which was hosted by Col. Sanders son. Vic did not win but she did not seem to really care. The best thing about the festival was it was cheap. $3.50 for corndogs and $2 for a 12oz Highlife tall boy. So after drinking and eating $25 of corndogs and Highlife I was in a happy place. There was so really good bluegrass like music and great people watching. *Side note*

I want to marry a hipster, who likes to travel and listen to NPR so if you know this person be sure to pass along my contact information.

Drained from the sun and a bit drunk from the cheap beer we heaed home for showers and naps. That night Kyle was having one of his impromptu porch parties so I heaed to L5P with a quick stop off for a case of Highlife. What a perfect night, rainy weather, a candle lit porch and 20 people just hanging out.

Sunday I had invited Brad, Jamie and James over for a late lunch after the parade. I was heaed to the parade but the weather looked like it might make it a no go so I went to the store instead. The parade did happy but in the rain and Brad and the boys came over and we grilled out in the rain and played celebrities into the night.

So all in all it was an outstanding weekend. It is truly not what you do but the company you keep. Thanks to Brad, Keri, Vic, Kyle, Jamie and James for a great weekend. I would not trade it for all the dirty hippies in the world.

Not sure if this me but my background says I am

2006-06-21T13:37:00.000-07:00

Your Inner European is Irish!

Sprited and boisterous!
You drink everyone under the table.

Who's Your Inner European?

Normally I wouldn't but it looked fun....

2006-06-07T12:55:00.000-07:00

You Are Austin

A little bit country, a little bit rock and roll.
You're totally weird and very proud of it.
Artistic and freaky, you still seem to fit in... in your own strange way.

Famous Austin residents: Lance Armstrong, Sandra Bullock, Andy Roddick

What American City Are You?

I just couldn't help myself

2006-06-07T06:45:00.000-07:00

Ok the gay marriage ban debate is up for a vote again today in the Senate. I know it won't pass and I know it is just a ploy for the right wing to use the opposing votes as an election tool in the fall, BUT the idea of banning it to save marriage makes me sooo mad. I would rather then say they disagree with the lifestyle or something along those lines, but the sanctity of marriage is a myth. If they wanted to save marriage they would put an end to uncontested divorces. So playing my favorite role as instigator I wrote my senators an email and decided I would publish it here. I think divorce is fine but I think gay marriage is too but I wanted to make a point and hope that maybe they might see how crazy this all is so......

Dear Senator,

I understand that you are voting to ban same sex marriages in order to protect marriage. Well as a child of divorce I think banning uncontested divorces is a larger threat to the sanctity of marriage. Right now people can marry and divorce at will with no consequences. Please tell me how that is healthy for children and the institution of marriage? I beg of you as my representative to do something about this growing issue in America. Did you know that less than half of all marriages end in divorce? Marriage is under attack alright, by people who don't take it seriously. If you truly believe in saving marriage then I expect action on this soon.

Thanks you.

Sincerely,

Jamie's Ultimate Guide to Beer

2006-05-25T08:15:00.000-07:00

Ok I am with Taylor and that I just can't the government is so screwy (this week it is beyond screwy) that it almost is too emotional to express my disdain through the art of blogging so I think beer is a better topic.

MMM Beer...

The Right beer for the right occasion....

1. A Clemson game- you can't go wrong with a cold Bud Light on that hot football Saturdays.

2. Party at Kyle's- Last one was Mic Light, but no matter what's in the keg the party is a kick ass time.

3.Cold day - this one is a toss up between a Sweetwater 420 with a hat of Guinness or a cold Newcastle. Both are winter time favorites.

4. Warm day outside at a bar with cash to blow- No question. Bring on the Hoegaarden and an ass of lemons.

5. Warm day at the beach- Corona, some limes and sunscreen

6. College student on pay day- for me I was a fan of Lowenbrau but it is bitter.

7. Fun with sake- Kirin Ichiban, some friends and fun on a birthday. Sake Bomb!

8. Fall back beer- Killians Irish Red.

9. Beer I will NEVER drink again- Icehouse, too many stories and scars with unhappy ending.

10. Light beer of choice- Amstel

11. New beer I am digging- Peroni

I know we all have different taste so do you have any to share?

For Taylor

2006-04-06T11:25:00.000-07:00

DISCLAIMER

Taylor asked me to write in my blog so I decided I would and dedicate it to him, however I write what is on my mind so the contents of today's blog are not a reflection of my direct thoughts of Taylor

I often stop to wonder why we as a culture or society struggle so much with identity?
Everyone I know has fought this battle at some point in their life. My mother thought she was a hippy but was really a yuppie, my sister loved Jesus only to really love a boy who loved Jesus. Why are we so compelled not to be ourselves only to comform to be what society tells us to be. I think I maybe the most guilty at this. I was never comfortable being one or the other until I realized I was really both. My identity crisis started at a young age when for my 5th birthday I long for a toy General Lee (care from The Dukes of Hazzard) and an Easy Bake Oven. Luckily I had an aunt who decided there was no reason for me not to have both. Light Bulb Cakes all around for my Great Aunt Vern. I loved playing outdoors building forts, going camping and fishing, but somedays I would play in my Aunt Toby's closest and put on what I later learned are called "Campy Drag Revues." I had every He-Man, Gi Joe and Transformer there was but sometimes I had just as much fun playing dress up with my sister's Barbies.

My parents divorced when I was 10 and I was swept away from the farm and into a larger "city" life. I made friends, played dirt bikes and remote controlled cars and in the 8th grade decided to join the choir. I was hooked on performing and in high school joined every choir there was Show, Madrigal (complete with tights) Jazz you name it, while spending my free weekends watching football and working with my dad the landscaper. Towards the end of high school I saw musical theater in my future so I even joined a dance troupe to round out my abilities.

Now a kid like this usually is miserable from the ridicule he faces from the bullies who treat him as the outcast, but I was lucky. My high school had 3,000 students and everyone has their circle with little ridicule from others. I was happy in high school. That all changed the moment I graduated and my circle of security was broken. Now I am forced to inter mingle with other circles and I realized that me being me was not alright in their eyes. One time friends turned and ran and I felt alone.

I ran from myself with a force that stirred the dead. I was frightened that if I was myself then I would end up alone. Now maybe I am overly optimistic with life but even in my detainment I was able to explore new things and learned alot about myself and what all life has to offer. I almost reveled in the pure adrenaline of masculinity I lived in. I pushed myself to achieve new experiences and found out more about myself along the way. I knew deep down that even if this was a part of me it wasn't all of me.

I took a deep breath and with the guidance of a great friend I took step one towards the other end of the spectrum. After step one I seemed to fly past the middle and end up somewhere at the end of the line. I awoke in very unfamiliar grounds. I think coming out is hard enough but the worse part in finding yourself once you do. Out of all my struggles this might have been the hardest. Gay culture seemed to be live to be free, be what you are but when I arrived it wasn't as diverse as I had thought it would be. Words like tina, bottom, top, bear, abs and Prada where being tossed at me and none of them were me. In a world of shallowness, low self-esteem, drugs, and loveless sex I felt frightened again. I found myself pushing to fit somewhere but never feeling comfortable and never being me.

I don't know if it was age, experience, meeting the right people or just coming into my own but one day I found me. I often call myself the misfit among misfits. It was a role I ran from that now I embrace. So I may obsess too much about football, love Designing Women, go hiking, or dress like a manic,yuppie, hipster at times but who cares. We are all different that is a great thing, when we can all just be what we are.

You exhibit a very well-developed sense of Right and Wrong and believe in economic fairness.

2005-10-12T12:05:00.000-07:00

You are a
Social Liberal
(73% permissive)

and an...
Economic Liberal
(18% permissive)

You are best described as a:

Socialist

Link: The Politics Test on Ok Cupid
Also: The OkCupid Dating Persona Test

Just because I can

2005-10-07T06:38:00.000-07:00

Why do I love the smell of pert and prell shampoo?

I hope turd blossom gets flushed.

I actually love the rain.

Why can I get to the ledge but never jump?

I feel like I am losing him even if I am not.

Artem is a winner to me.

A priest called Harry Potter "gay" and I laughed.

Why ws that funny?

I actually like Martha Stewart's Apprentice show.

I think we should all write more letters to tell people what losers they are.

I may add more to list later but I am done for now........

And So It Goes

2005-10-03T07:18:00.000-07:00

(emotionally scattered today so I will let Billy Joel talk for me)

In every heart there is a room
A sanctuary safe and strong
To heal the wounds from lovers past
Until a new one comes along

I spoke to you in cautious tones
You answered me with no pretense
And still I feel I said too much
My silence is my self defense

And every time I've held a rose
It seems I only felt the thorns
And so it goes, and so it goes
And so will you soon I suppose

But if my silence made you leave
Then that would be my worst mistake
So I will share this room with you
And you can have this heart to break

And this is why my eyes are closed
It's just as well for all I've seen
And so it goes, and so it goes
And you're the only one who knows

So I would choose to be with you
That's if the choice were mine to make
But you can make decisions too
And you can have this heart to break
And so it goes, and so it goes
And you're the only one who knows

-
Billy Joel

3 in a row!

2005-09-16T09:47:00.000-07:00

I am headed to my third Clemson football game in as many weeks!!! This season is the most difficult schedule Clemson has faced in many years but so far 2-0! Tough test as Miami comes to Death Valley tomorrow. I most likelywill have no voice come Sunday.

Go Tigers!

Mexico's Most Wanted

2005-09-13T12:38:00.000-07:00

I love my neighborhood. It is diverse and still rough around the edges. I have never been a polished man. Well many of the houses on the surrounding streets are home to Hispanic families. They always seem friendly and smile at me but due to the language barrier who knows what they think of me.

The house at the end of the street houses a particularly large amount of people. They all seem to be fun loving. Every weekend they are playing soccer and partying in the street, which can be a bit annoying when you need to drive by. My only complaint is that they have chickens and dogs that often like to dart out in front of my truck.

Thus my story begins.....

Once cold morning I was running late for work, surprise (wanted to beat Taylor, Mike and Vic to that punch). I drove to the end of the street and stopped at the stop sign. I turned left and speed up to maybe 10 mph. That is when their dog darts out of no where and in a split second I nip him with my tire. He yelped and ran off and I stopped in the middle of the street and jumped out of my truck. As I watched the dog run back into the yard I noticed that there was a woman standing in the driveway. I called out to her asking if the dog was ok. There was no response. I then started to walk towards her and with that she runs into her house grabs the phone and starts speaking in Spanish at 100 words per second. I know some Spanish but I have trouble with it because it is spoken so fast. The woman refused to come out and I felt me standing there trying to communicate was doing no good and I finally left.

For weeks I would drive by to see if he was ok (which he was). The family would just glare at me but that dog stayed in the yard from then on.

Meanwhile in Atlanta

2005-09-12T11:22:00.000-07:00

Well I went to visit Taylor this weekend in DC and I have to say it was terrific. The only thing that could have made it better was more time. It was so good to see Taylor again. DC has never been atop of any of my good list but I have to say I had a great time. I spent Friday walking the city alone and just really enjoyed it so much. I am the weirdo who just puts on my headphones and will just go and walk for hours with no real purpose (like that time in Baltimore where people thought I was going to get shot) I like taking it all in and at the same time clearing my head which is such a jumbled mess.

Friday night Taylor showed me is hood and I met some of his friends. The people were really nice and interesting. Saturday we went out to see the Clemson/ Maryland game which was awesome. What a game! Go Tigers!

Before I left I had many questions and little clarity. I have been applying to jobs in other cities, looking for some change. I had given up on ever finding someone special. I have spent the past 6 months trying to be hard and denying that I am a romantic at heart and I truly want that someone who makes my heart flutter. My other half.

I came home with more questions than answers but things seem clearer. I know more of what I want and who I am.

Wow I was just going to see Taylor and to the football game. Who knew a weekend in DC would be so monumental?

Where I am....

2005-09-12T11:01:00.000-07:00

I could tell from the moment I stepped onto the plane to return home I was going to be like this. Confused, bewildered, shock and awe if you will. You see I went for the soul purpose of seeing my best friend, knowing how much I did not like it.

Upon arrival I had my guard up. Making sure to notice the dirt, the stench and the soulless city that I had never really cared for but having someone I care for there demanded my return. It was great to see him and to know first hand he is ok and always will be. I knew it but I needed confirmation.

The next day I woke with no agenda and plenty of time. I opened up just enough to let some of you in. I put on your soundtrack, took you in. I was warming up. You had me and it was only a matter of time before you tightened your grip.

Blinded by spirits I dove into your darkness drinking, laughing, and taking you in. Reality smacked me on the lips and I pulled back enough to see where this was headed. That is when you sent in the ace. Something desirable, something I am unable to have and find here. Doting me I felt like a king.

In an instance it was over, the love affair with something I didn't like; only it left me wanting more.

The District Sleeps Alone Tonight

2005-09-12T10:52:00.000-07:00

smeared black ink: your palms are sweaty and I'm barely listening to last demands
i'm staring at the asphalt wondering what's buried underneath where i am

i'll wear my badge: a vinyl sticker with big block letters adherent to my chest
that tells your new friends i am a visitor here: i am not permanent
and the only thing keeping me dry is where i am

you seem so out of context in this gaudy apartment complexa stranger with a door key explaining that i am just visitingand i am finally seeing why i was the one worth leaving

d.c. sleeps alone tonight

you seem so out of context in this gaudy apartment complex
a stranger with a door key explaining that i am just visiting
and i am finally seeing why i was the one worth leaving
the district sleeps alone tonight after the bars turn out their lights
and send the autos swerving into the loneliest evening
and i am finally seeing why i was the one worth leaving

I don't think there is a better CD that better suits my emotions both for its lyrics and music than The Postal Service. Every song is my heartbeat.

World stunned by US Government's response to Katrina?

2005-09-02T08:46:00.000-07:00

The world is watching the only superpower collapse. Corrupt, selfish, inhuman government is coming into view for the world to see. I wonder what those out there who mean us harm are thinking? I thought this was a nation that was about helping others? IS America and empire and we just have not been told? I do know that nothing but bad things have happened since emperor George has taken over. I am tired of something bad happening again and again and people saying this is not a time to point blame. Well when is? Why do they continue to screw up?

Bush = Failure

http://news.yahoo.com/s/nm/20050902/ts_nm/weather_katrina_reaction_dc

Next Week?

2005-09-01T11:34:00.000-07:00

From CNN Online:

Widespread looting and random gunfire have been reported across New Orleans. Police told CNN that groups of armed men roamed the streets overnight.
Officers told CNN they lacked manpower and steady communications to properly do their jobs -- and that they needed help to prevent the widespread looting and violence now prevalent in the city.

A police officer working in downtown New Orleans said police were siphoning gas from abandoned vehicles in an effort to keep their squad cars running, CNN's Chris Lawrence reported.

The officer said police are "on their own" for food and water, scrounging up what they can from anybody who is generous enough to give them some -- and that they have no communication whatsoever. Police also told CNN they were removing ammunition from looted gunshops in an effort to get it off the streets.

The Pentagon said that by next week 24,000 troops would be on the ground to assist in recovery efforts, including 8,600 National Guard members by Friday who could be put to work in law enforcement.

Is it just me or shouldn't this been a step to take last Friday when we all knew the hurricane was going to hit??? Why isn't the government responding? Why is Condi in NYC buying thousand dollar shoes? Where are the democrats? They should be calling to arms right now! I am beginning to think that no one in Washington really cares. There are people trapped and dying, starving like a third world country. We will remember this in 06.

Rome is burning

2005-09-01T07:23:00.000-07:00

The story of Nero and Rome is very interesting and has surfaced a few times over the past week. I have a brief run down of it here below:

On the night of July 19, 64 AD, a fire broke out among the shops lining the Circus Maximus, Rome's mammoth chariot stadium. In a city of two million, there was nothing unusual about such a fire -- the sweltering summer heat kindled conflagrations around Rome on a regular basis, particularly in the slums that covered much of the city. Knowing this, Nero himself was miles away in the cooler coastal resort of Antium. Yet this was no ordinary fire. The flames raged for six days before coming under control; then the fire reignited and burned for another three. When the smoke cleared, ten of Rome's fourteen districts were in ruin. The 800-year-old Temple of Jupiter Stator and the Atrium Vestae, the hearth of the Vestal Virgins, were gone. Two thirds of Rome had been destroyed.

The story goes that Nero played his fiddle while Rome burned to the ground. Now there is no way of ever knowing how true that is but what we DO know is that Bush played the guitar while New Orleans flooded and people were drowning.

I never asked for him to be there pulling people to safety himself but at least pretend to have compassion for these people!

(thanks Americablog.org for the photo)

50 things ESPN needs to know about S.C.

2005-09-01T06:57:00.000-07:00

I found this article in the State Newspaper as Columbia prepars for USC's (Carolina) first game of the season.

I decided not all 50 were that funny but I thought some were so I posted those.

50 things ESPN needs to know about S.C.

Since mid-July, crews from ESPN’s “SportsCenter” have been racing across the nation, trying to hit all 50 states in 50 days. It works like this: Go to a state. Pick a sporting event. Broadcast live. Pack up and run to the next state on your list. Hurry! Today, ESPN’s “guest state” is South Carolina, and “SportsCenter” will feature USC’s home game against Central Florida. (The next day, it’s a prison rodeo in Oklahoma. Then a football game in Alabama. Then Highland Games in Wisconsin. Then they finally get to rest.) As part of all this, ESPN has been asking viewers to vote (via the Internet) on the best of South Carolina’s “sporting culture and heritage.” Here are some of our suggestions.

1. South Carolina and North Carolina are different states. South Carolina is to the south. North Carolina is to the north.

2. There is no state called “Carolina,” even though the Carolina Panthers disagree.

4. The capital of South Carolina is Columbia, not Charleston. Charleston is pretty and historic and artistic, but it’s not the capital city.

5. South Carolina’s governor is Mark Sanford, a frugal fellow. He owns one pair of pants (khakis) and wears them every working day.

6. South Carolina’s first lady is Jenny Sanford, a frugal lady. When she must wash her husband’s only pair of pants, she takes them to the river and pounds them with stones rather than pay for dry cleaning.

7. The University of South Carolina mascot is the fighting gamecock. Watching gamecocks fight is illegal. Watching Gamecocks play is a popular pastime.

9. South Carolina started the Civil War in 1861. In retrospect, it probably was not a good idea.

10. In 1865, Union Army Gen. W.T. Sherman’s troops were camped in Columbia, and somebody started playing with matches, and a bad thing happened.

11. There is a huge rivalry between the University of South Carolina and Clemson University, and it has something to do with sports.

13. The hurricane that devastated South Carolina in 1989 was called Hugo. Since then, no male child in South Carolina has been named Hugo.

14. South Carolinians do not fear 200-mph killer hurricanes. But if a quarter-inch of slushy snow falls in the office parking lot, we are out of there, man!

15. Two words: boiled peanuts.

16. Two more words: sweet tea.

17. If you only have been watching PBS, the most famous South Carolina native is probably Strom Thurmond. If you only have been watching HBO, the most famous South Carolina native is probably Kristin Davis.

18. A palmetto tree is the symbol of South Carolina. A melting palmetto tree is the symbol of South Carolina in mid-July.

19. “Y’all” is a contraction of “you all,” so the apostrophe denoting the dropped letters comes after the Y, not after the A. Y’all always get that wrong.

23. In 2002, an estimated 30 million people visited South Carolina. That is why you got stuck in traffic on the way to the beach.

24. In 2002, those visitors spent an estimated $7.3 billion, mostly on South of the Border “Pedro” water globes.

25. Charleston was the first place in the United States where golf was played. That was still not enough to get Charleston named the state capital.

28. Former U.S. Sen. Fritz Hollings didn’t mean half of the outrageous things he used to say when he was in Washington.

31. Columbia’s Huger Street is pronounced “You-gee.” No, “Hew-gee.” No, “You-ger.”

34. Charleston just got a majestic $632 million bridge.

40. On South Carolina roads, a green light means “go,” a yellow light means “go faster” and a red light means “floor it, baby!”

41. Car-insurance rates are pretty high here, for no good reason that we know of.

46. Depending on where you are, “shag” can refer to South Carolina’s official state dance, a type of carpeting or sex. Context makes a big difference.

47. One of the best movies filmed in South Carolina was “The Patriot,” in which Mel Gibson played a Revolutionary War fighter loosely based on Francis Marion.

— Bobby Bryant From the State Newspaper in Columbia, SC

A break from the bleak.

2005-08-31T07:15:00.000-07:00

I have been so caught up with the disaster that I forget that football starts this week. Below I posted a link to the Clemson vs Texas A&M game day experience which I found was a good read and a nice little break from all the horror stories that bitch Katrina has caused.

Now I am a Clemson man and my blood is as orange as they come but I just don't know another school with such a great hospitality and rich traditions as A&M. I hope my Tiger brethren greets the Aggies fans with as much respect as they showed our fans last year and that Saturday is a day when two great football schools share a love for the game and all that surrounds it.

http://www.thetigernet.com/view/story.do;jsessionid=0DA8543BC5E81F07AEC2CFEC1DC13183?id=4878

He failed us again

2005-08-30T19:37:00.000-07:00

Turns out the Bush administration cut funding to Louisiana and New Orleans that would have addressed the issues with the levees there.

http://www.editorandpublisher.com/eandp/news/article_display.jsp?vnu_content_id=1001051313

In early 2004, as the cost of the conflict in Iraq soared, President Bush proposed spending less than 20 percent of what the Corps said was needed for Lake Pontchartrain, according to a Feb. 16, 2004, article, in New Orleans CityBusiness.

Here is another:

http://www.findarticles.com/p/articles/mi_qn4200/is_20050606/ai_n14657367

A sobering wake up call to how they don't care about the people. The war debt is adding up and not just in dollars. When will they listen and when will they learn?

Leader that Christian wanted killed offers help to the US

2005-08-30T14:28:00.000-07:00

If it was up to Pat Robertson we all can only pray unless it it is not a good investment for Pat. Well Pat remember this guy who you wanted killed? Here is a man who will act. Wonder which one Jesus would view as the more rightous?

Venezuela President offers fuel, food to hurricane-hit US

http://news.yahoo.com/s/afp/20050829/wl_afp/usweathervenezuelaoil_050829235602

I-10 collapses!

2005-08-30T14:21:00.000-07:00

The main road out of New Orleans heading to Mississippi has collapsed! Water is still poring into the city and everyone there has to get out. All hospitals and shelters have be cleared.

I sit in my office with tears in my eyes

2005-08-30T11:24:00.000-07:00

These news clips (below photo) were more than I was prepared for.

(cut and paste to view)

javascript:cnnVideo('play','/video/us/2005/08/30/sot.katrina.man.loses.wife.wkrg');

javascript:cnnVideo('play','/video/us/2005/08/30/meserve.ems.lok.cnn.cnn','2005/09/06');

As I said yesterday I have been captivated by Katrina. She was nothing short of a monster. So big that the outer bands were felt here in Atlanta.

At first I was just in awe of what a powerful force of nature she was. Then I worried for all the people who could not escape he wrath. I was angry at President Bush for taking away the National Guard when they are so needed here. Now I am in a state of shock. This is really bad.

New Orleans is under 10 plus feet of water in some places. The lake is pouring into the city and people are trapped in their attics and on their roof top and no one can save them. The water in the streets is full of gasoline, household chemicals, and what not. There are bodies found floating in the streets. There are numerous gas leaks everywhere.

The cost for this storm will be felt by everyone. Gas prices have just hit another all time high. major funding will be needed to rebuild the areas destroyed. I hope everyone will be willing to give even more. Please consider giving:

American Red Cross (800) HELP NOW (435-7669) English; (800) 257-7575 Spanish

In my lifetime I never thought I would see any single event that would have had killed so many people and have such far reaching consequences.

Now I have seen two.

Oh yeah get pumped

2005-08-29T11:18:00.000-07:00

http://www.clemson.edu/cuad/tiger-rag.wma

Hurricane Jamie

2005-08-29T07:39:00.000-07:00

I have to admit I am totally captivated by Hurricane Katrina. I have spent the last few hours watching Anderson Cooper and Rob Marciano (who I would watch if they were reading stereo instructions but that is another story), blow around in giving updates on her power. This is a huge storm. I hope that she weakens before anymore damage is done.

I have this fascination with hurricanes or it may be the other way around. Back in September of 1989 I was starting my second year living in Sumter. My parents divorce was almost completed and my mother had just bought a house (it was a big deal cause I spent a great deal of my life growing up in a trailer on the farm in Wilson) and even though the adjustment was not smooth I was starting to be ok. *Side note* I grew up on a farm where my grandparents lived in a house next door and I really never knew there was a stigma about living in a trailer because it was very much home to me.

Anyway my Mother was dating someone in his mid 20's back then and now when I think about it he was younger then than I am now so that freaks me out!!! Well I remember sitting in the house watching the news that Hurricane Hugo was headed for the South Carolina coast. This storm was one of the biggest in some time and was going to at least be a category 4 when it hit. All of a sudden my mother flipped, called my dad and told him to meet her halfway so we could stay with him. My mother sent us 40 miles closer to the storm!!!!! I can remember how dark everything was that night headed to Wilson and how it seemed to be raining leaves everywhere. Well my dad had us stay at my grandparents house and we stayed up till almost midnight trying to see what was going to happen. My dad stood guard as we one by one fell asleep. In typical Jamie fashion I slept though the whole thing (just like the earthquake in 03) the next morning I woke up to the strangest blue grey colored sky. There were huge trees down everywhere and our swing set had blown up against the back door pinning it shut.

As it turns out the storm had made a direct hit of Charleston and ridden up the river and lake system that ends less than 10 miles from the farm. No one had predicted this course and the two counties by us were the worst hit outside of the Charleston area.

We were lucky that everyone was ok and we did not have very much damage. I remember seeing how much others had lost. We went almost 3 weeks without school, power and running water. No big deal to an 11 year old but today I would be begging for a warm shower.

A few years later Hurricane Andrew wiped out Homestead Florida, where my Mother spent most of her teenage years. It was the most costly storm in history.

When I moved to Atlanta the last thing I was worried about was Hurricanes. That was until 2004 when 3 tore into Florida and moved right into Atlanta with in a month. Causing trees to fall, major flooding and once again me in the dark.

It is is almost that time

2005-08-28T19:20:00.000-07:00

Bring on them Aggies. I am less than a week from heading to the greatest little town in the world for a weekend of friends, drinks and CLEMSON FOOTBALL!!!!!!

Here is a photo of the new Hill endzone video scoreboard.

So true

2005-08-28T19:15:00.000-07:00

Thanks wannabeleader for the funny.

Is Bush the anti-Christ, seriously?

2005-08-25T08:23:00.000-07:00

Now anyone who knows me knows I am not a religious person. I have always had issues with organized religion because all of them find a way to blame others and exclude people. It is like a spiritual country club.

Anyway I remember watching the Omen and the big plot was that the next anti-Christ was would surface from politics. hmmm. Also that he was surrounded by power people who protected him. Ok someone call an exorcist for America.

This week I have been really thinking how crazy this country has become and how I wonder if we are at some kind of cold civil war. I decided to just make a quick list instead of rambling forever:

* radical fundamentalist Islamic = radical fundamentalist Christian
think about it for a second. Is there really a difference?Pat Robertson calling for the assignation of an elected official( he is such a Christian). Extremist calling for the killing of abortion doctors and judges. Who are the terrorist? This is scary stuff!!!!!!

* Ok I don't think you should be able to use the words freedom or democracy if you do not understand what they mean. Am I wrong but isn't the reason we are in Iraq is to promote these ideas? So when Americans exercise these rights at home we are called terrorist and un-American....WTF?

* On that subject apparently the head of the American Legion has called to arms to stop any anti-war movements using any means necessary? Ok he might want to clarify that statement cause to me that sounds like a call for aggression in order to deny freedom of speech. Very America. Me being me I sent him an email:
Dear Mr. Cadmus,

I have to say as a past supporter of the American Legion I was extremely alarmed when I read your comments about using whatever means to stand against anyone who opposes the War in Iraq. Isn't the reason we are fighting this war is to ensure democracy and isn't democracy the ability to speak freely even if it is critical of government policy? I am afraid that stances like these only bring America closer to civil disruption and shows the world that democracy is not a real idea but just an empty phrase.I also find it a bit hypocritical that you can support this war but in 99 the legion refused to support the President with the troubles in Yugoslavia.

Please support democracy in the US and in the world.

Sincerely,

James in Atlanta

Before you question my stance as a supporter, I use to volunteer with a civic group in high school that supported them and I bought too much of their crappy candy.

* My last rant of the day is how the government has spent billions on Iraq, and more importantly thousands of lives only to let the new government to become less of a democracy and offer less rights them when Saddam was in power??? Once again WTF? I can not believe that the government is ok with this constitution draft. After all the cost don't you think we could get at least this one detail right?

Talking to ghost

2005-08-19T12:51:00.000-07:00

While I am ranting I thought I would share this email I sent to Michele Malkin. I will never understand why a minority woman would not only support a group that uses her but why she is so hateful. I just am tired of waiting for change and I even if my opinion doesn't cause her to stop and think about the words she speaks, at least I spoke out. I for one support freedom of speech but if you say something mean and hateful then you really miss the point.

Dear Ms. Malkin,

I have to say I am extremely alarmed by the fact that you feel compelled to tell the nation that you know more about Cindy Sheehan's son that she does. All she is asking for is some answers to help with her grief. We as a country owe her that. She has paid a higher price than you or I. I don't understand how our country has become so hateful and mean spirited that we would dishonor a mother who has lost her son to war. It is people like you who make me question the direction of this country. This country was founded on the right to question government and to embrace different opinions but the comments you made this week were nothing short of hateful and shameful.

You should be embarrassed.

Sincerely,
James in Atlanta

Who or what to believe?

2005-08-19T07:47:00.000-07:00

First, sorry for my absence but I just haven't been in the blogging mood for a while. Leave it to something with the GOP and the hypocrisy of how they control government to bring me back.

Why can the GOP continue to lie with no repercussions? Clinton lied about a blow job and they were all over him like ants at a picnic. We are not talking sex acts here today. This is the death of our citizens with no remorse or explanations. I for one am sick of it. Americans HAVE to unite for change. These slimy, greedy fascist control freaks say one thing and do the other, they lie, cheat and steal from us and call themselves patriotic.

Back when Clinton decided to do something about Bosnia the Republicans were screaming about no war. Thanks for the info from the Daily Kos ( http://www.dailykos.com/storyonly/2005/8/17/144732/740 ) we can read how hypocritical they are:

Quotes from when Clinton committed troops to Bosnia:

"You can support the troops but not the president." --Rep Tom Delay (R-TX)

"Well, I just think it's a bad idea. What's going to happen is they're going to be over there for 10, 15, maybe 20 years." --Joe Scarborough (R-FL)

"Explain to the mothers and fathers of American servicemen that may come home in body bags why their son or daughter have to give up their life?" --Sean Hannity, Fox News, 4/6/99
"[The] President . . . is once again releasing American military might on a foreign country with an ill-defined objective and no exit strategy. He has yet to tell the Congress how much this operation will cost. And he has not informed our nation's armed forces about how long they will be away from home. These strikes do not make for a sound foreign policy." --Sen. Rick Santorum (R-PA)

"American foreign policy is now one huge big mystery. Simply put, the administration is trying to lead the world with a feel-good foreign policy." --Rep Tom Delay (R-TX)

"If we are going to commit American troops, we must be certain they have a clear mission, an achievable goal and an exit strategy." --Karen Hughes, speaking on behalf of George W Bush

"I had doubts about the bombing campaign from the beginning . . I didn't think we had done enough in the diplomatic area." --Senator Trent Lott (R-MS)

"I cannot support a failed foreign policy. History teaches us that it is often easier to make war than peace. This administration is just learning that lesson right now. The President began this mission with very vague objectives and lots of unanswered questions. A month later, these questions are still unanswered. There are no clarified rules of engagement. There is no timetable. There is no legitimate definition of victory. There is no contingency plan for mission creep. There is no clear funding program. There is no agenda to bolster our over-extended military. There is no explanation defining what vital national interests are at stake. There was no strategic plan for war when the President started this thing, and there still is no plan today" --Rep Tom Delay (R-TX)

"Victory means exit strategy, and it's important for the President to explain to us what the exit strategy is." --Governor George W. Bush (R-TX)

Go ahead and just say anything and as along as you are a Republican no one will hold you accountable for lying. I for one will NEVER trust these people.

Clinton tried to stop the terror from happening and the GOP stopped him by the most vicious personal attach ever seen. The GOP got it wrong and we paid the price.

I will say one thing for Clinton, he would have spoken with he fallen soldiers families with respect because he cares, he has a heart unlike the current administration. That is why he will always be loved no matter how hard the GOP tries to tarnish his reputation.

Bush, and the GOP have failed us and the worse part is they don't care.

A Rant for Jesus

2005-06-28T12:08:00.000-07:00

Some people act ugly in the name of God. I always thought that Christianity was about kindness. The Supreme Court ruled yesterday that the "10 Commandments" can be display for historical purposes on courthouse grounds but not in the the courtroom itself. In a way no one wins this fight because one sides says that one ruling is unfair and the other feels jilted as well. Two words, grow up.

I read reader responses in the AJC and I was blown away by how some self-proclaimed Christians acted. One women even said that America is Christian and if you don't like it get out!
Talk about God is love and Christian kindness. She is right, America is Christian, America is also Jewish, Muslim and a slew of other things. The other thing I found interesting is the the words "In God we Trust" did not appear on currency until the 1950s and that many of the found fathers were in fact atheist.

What I guess I don't understand is why these people see everything as all or nothing? Why can't more than one idea exist, why does under God mean under "your" God an not mine? I also don't understand why it is ok to pick and choose the "laws" of the Bible? I think more fathers should sell their daughters into slavery and we should return to stoning people who work on Sunday. That could be fun, maybe it could be the 700 Club's way into the reality TV biz.

No matter party lines or religious affiliation what I see lacking in this country is understanding. No one takes the time to try and understand and accept someone different. I thought our differences were what made this country so great.

Tolerance and acceptance people, please!

However, since there is a freedom of religion in the country and since Men's Workout is kind of like my version of the Bible could I get the 10 steps to a stronger back put on some structure outside the courthouse here? Or maybe I could convince some of my Jewish friends to have the Star of David somewhere on the grounds? Hey it only fair, right? Be careful what you push for because you just may open the flood gates.

Shining Happy Jamie

2005-06-22T08:25:00.000-07:00

Things that make me smile:

An excited friend
a random trip
Clemson
a cold Margarita on a hot day
"heroes" by the Wallflowers ( I know it is a cover but their version makes me happy, I can't begin to explain why)
Silliness
The Three weird habits of Taylor (you know that is odd don't you?)
Warm Days
Getting caught in the rain
Skylines
My sister
Seafood

You baffle me....

2005-06-21T07:56:00.000-07:00

You don't think I notice but I do
I don't understand the motive but the actions don't go unnoticed.
By now I have my guard up
You baffle me......

Dirty beach bum

2005-06-21T07:12:00.000-07:00

Move over "Honkey" cause this is my new aspiration for someone to call me!

This past weekend I decided to drive to the farm and spend Father's Day with my dad. I love time with him because what he lacked in fathering skills he more than makes up for in friendship. I treasure this unique relationship we have. I often worry that I get to busy for him and it makes me sad so I was happy once I made it to Wilson that he agreed to take off work(Saturday) and spend the day with me. I decided that we would drive on to Charleston and have lunch with my sister. Unfortunately, she had to work all day but it was nice to spend a little time with her. We met up at the Anchor Line on Folly Beach, scallops, shrimp and shark, the major S foods of my seafood eating binges. If there was Sea Crab Soup I might have exploded! After parting ways with Jen my father and I went onto the beach and walked for a while looking at the ocean. He dared me to get in and I was not going to miss the chance to act like a fool so I did. The salt water took me back to my summers of childhood playing up and down the South Carolina coast, then to that summer I spent playing on Pawley's Island with Carter, knowing that when come fall I was no longer just a high school graduate but now a college Freshman.

My stroll was cut short by a summer storm and we went back to my truck which I got stuck in the sand and two "surfers" had to help get us out.

As we drove along the neighborhoods of Folly I began to think how much I miss being so close to the ocean. How I long for the smell of salt in the air, how my life long dream was to live at the beach. If things were different, had I made better decisions I might even be there now. I love Charleston for all it offers and for all the memories it keeps for me. I guess it will just have to remain my home away from home, for now.

"We need to talk"

2005-06-21T06:51:00.000-07:00

It is a phrase I have heard very often as of late. My mother said it Sunday before I got out the door. It was so strange to hear it come out of her mouth because she avoids anything serious and usually changes the subject. Truth is we do need to talk but I just need her to be mature and for once be maternal. She needs to understand that I am not going to be the man she wants me to be. Her critiquing of the mess I have made and the failure she will see will only further destroy hope in learning to live the time I have left with any hope of bravery and self dignity. I pride myself on my strength with this yet I cower away when I think of my family knowing. I remember the last time I tried to open up to her, when I was sad, when Nick had said goodbye for the last time. Her words were harsh, she told me she only wanted to hear about the good things and that if there were no good things then just talk about the weather. Now she wants to talk, she says a mother knows and we need to discuss my future. Frankly I don't care what she thinks.

As for my other discussions. I know what I need to do. These people mean a great deal to me and want to these relationships to work. It is amazing the effort that others put into me and that I to them. If only she could be that mature.

Doctor Doctor

2005-06-16T07:56:00.000-07:00

Ok finally Teri Schiavo can rest. What have I learned? #1 I need to make a living will and #2 I am very happy that Senator Frist is not my doctor. Let's, pardon the pun, examine this for a second. First of all he goes around saying he is a doctor and he can tell just by looking at some old video footage that this poor women is not brain damaged. Well I don't have a MD but I hope that the majority of doctors out there are not using video for examinations. SCARY!!!! Secondly, HE WAS WRONG!!!! I mean dead wrong and after he went parading around telling us he is a doctor! Now he had his spoke person say he was not diagnosing her. BS, he was all over the news and there plenty of tape proving that was exactly what he was trying to do. I find it very cowardly that he sends he spokes person to address the media after he made us look at his mug for days telling us he is a doctor and he knows this and that from a video. I hope America remembers all this in 08 when we start seeing those Frist for President signs. At least Delay has an excuse, this time, he is an exterminator he knows rats and roaches which I guess is why he is a Bushie! The last point I want to make is about the level of professional journalism FOX NEWS had by throwing another doctor on TV who they claimed was nominated for a Nobel Prize and he wasn't. They lied, shocking I know but where is the professional responsibility? The channel uses no ethics in their reporting and I honestly can get the same level of news from the Cartoon Network!

Once again we have been mislead and misguided by representatives of this current administration. WMDS, Memos, "medical and environmental experts", gay prostitute White House reporters. When will America wake up to the lies and deception? I hope it is before anymore damage is done.

Oscar may not be the only one living in a trash can...

2005-06-10T13:33:00.000-07:00

This article appeared today:

http://news.yahoo.com/s/washpost/public_broadcasting_targeted_by_house

While I was reading this, for some strange reason, the first image that came to my mind was all of Sesame Street in garbage cans. How sad. Then I thought of the political cartoons to follow with all the puppets in garbage cans sitting outside the White House.

Characters that have for generations have been loved by people world wide. A show that taught many of us not only how to count and read but also taught us tolerance and understanding of the world and people of different colors and cultures may be forced to end because they don't fit the agenda of a morally corrupt government hell bent on stamping out anything that would educate the masses in a positive manner. The Bush Administration is wanting to dumb down America (even more than it already is) because an uninformed person will not push for change.

So what is next for PBS? Well if W and his axis of evil have their way it will be some all white puppet cast of wealthy, "christen," Texas, oilers who teach the masses that they should like working for minimum wage at Wal-Mart.

Imitation is the best form of flattery.

2005-06-10T10:49:00.000-07:00

Today I decided to break away from normal writing when I am in a mood and instead insert some lyrics from a song that sums up my mood for the past few days. It is insincerely apologetic and manic, while at the same time critical and defensive.

"This could be the very minute
I'm aware I'm alive
All these places feel like home
With a name I'd never chosen
I can make my first steps
As a child of 25
This is the straw, final straw in the
Roof of my mouth as I lie to you
Just because I'm sorry doesn't mean
I didn't enjoy it at the time
You're the only thing that I love
It scares me more every day
On my knees I think clearer
Goodness knows I saw it coming
Or at least I'll claim I did
But in truth I'm lost for words
What have I done it's too late for that
What have I become truth is nothing yet
A simple mistake starts the hardest time
I promise I'll do anything you ask...
.......this time"

Chocolate
Snow Patrol

Best Father's Day Ever!!!!

2005-06-07T12:34:00.000-07:00

My Dad and I have always been more like friends and less like father and son. He never really had the parental instinct (neither did my mother for that matter) but we were able to bond over certain common interest and I love him very dearly even if I am not always the best at showing it. With my grandfather becoming ill my father has had to deal with a lot and sadly I have not seen him since January. I miss him and have been a little down since I did not make it to see him on his birthday. So I decided to write this entry for him.

The best Father's Day ever did not ever take place on Father's Day, in fact it happened over Labor Day Weekend 1991. My parents divorced in 1986 (they told us on Mother's Day but that is a another story) and since we moved an hour away I did not really see him except on the weekends I spent with him. Early on that was every weekend. He has a landscaping business and I would work the weekends with him. As I started to get older and hanging out with my friends on the weekends our visits became less frequent.

Well for this particular weekend we had planned a trip with all of my dad's family to the mountains. Everyone was meeting up there on Friday. As it happens I had auditions that Friday and could not leave school early. My father needed to finish a job so he decided to pick me up and we would ride together just the two of us (my sister road with one of my aunts).

During the drive we talked about nothing particular. I remember how foggy the Smoky Mountains were and thinking how I take things like this for granted at times. It was at this point that the trip became so memorable. Traveling through the small towns we became lost. Now usually when people become lost they worry but instead my father and I made the most of our extra time together. We stopped to laugh at Maggie Valley's Ghost Town in the Sky and the Santa Land amusement park. We thought about stopping at one of 6 places that claimed to have the world's greatest views of the Smoky Mountains but they were always some rotted boards stretched out over the mountain side that to us looked like they might give us a closer view than anyone would want.

The point wasn't that we went an hour out of the way, or were stared at by some threatening looking locals. What sticks in my mind is that we were laughing together and sharing memories that only the two of us have. Something that can never be broken or taken away.

As time takes its toll of both of us I will always look back at this moment and smile at the greatest gift my father ever gave me.

Повышение, Ascension,Steigen,Subida,Alba,Crescimento

2005-06-01T11:29:00.000-07:00

My absence has not been exactly because I have been busy. Honestly I was extremely busy with the Emory Weekend planning but it is not an excuse for the whole delay. I have been dishonest but at the same time dry, unmotivated and reserved. I started writing in other places, scattering my thoughts in little nooks and crannies all over. I write here for therapy but as of late I feel a bit exposed.

Like all good affairs the thrill is gone and I have returned back to the base of stability, the rock and foundation.

Random events since we last spoke:

* Emory Weekend completed and by all accounts a success
* Surprise visit from Rob Handel and friends turns into a great time and lustful for others
* Episode III on opening day is less geeky and more childish fun
* Fear often plays tricks with me
* Another 3 months and still holding steady
* Snow Patrol was good, 2 concerts and dancing at Mary's on a Thursday night is better. Thanks Kyle
* Sometimes tacky is fun (i.e. hickies)
* Met a boy who is sweet, kind, and accepting. I am lost.
* Sally Struthers is right, we all do want to make more money.
* See Tarnation but not alone.

Never think you know what is going to happen. I was sure I knew that things were going to be rough. I knew in my mind that they would say it was time to seek other options, but here I am holding steady. Well I never am never really steady. Always in a state of motion but this time I know I have risen.

So who the hell are you?

2005-04-21T13:23:00.000-07:00

I have a discovered that I am a blog addict. I spend chunks of the day reading blogs. I have 11 that I check in on daily. Lately I have found myself clicking the button at the top that takes you to the next blog. I have even spent time looking at blogs written in different languages and trying to decipher what they mean. I have taken up commenting on other people's blogs too. Sometimes I just get caught up in the stories they share I felt like I was there with them or have experienced something that he/she was sharing. I keep waiting for someone to write me and ask why I was reading their blog. I guess I just need a distraction from time to time. I remember when I first discovered Friendster and how I would play on their everyday. I stopped when I noticed that a certain nameless friend of mine who I exposed to friendster became obsessed with it and starting stalking boyfriends with it. I just didn't want to be that guy. The blog thing is very raw and full of emotions and being a person who all too often uses emotion over logic, it is just my thing. I love to read about the adventures of strangers, it feels so intrusive, like spying.

The scarlet letter

2005-04-20T11:10:00.000-07:00

The first time is the hardest they say, well I am not so sure it ever gets easier. I will go ahead and warn you this is going to be one of those jumbled messes I write from time to time that will most likely only make sense to me but I am always willing to share so if want to take a ride on my emotional roller coaster then hop aboard.

I am in a upbeat mood today but with alot on my mind:

It has been just a little over a year since finding Jamie or the truth and reality of Jamie today. I was never prepared but never really lost. Determined, optimistic, call to action, fighter, champion of the cause. I wore all these badges. I was ready to set out to change the world and perceptions of the uninformed and narrow minded. Inside I was frightened, lonely, heart broken, disappointed, reminiscent, vengeful, defeated, foolish, and dirty. I remained strong and kept these demons hidden for another time. I lifted my head and did not cry, I started to look at the world like I have never seen it before and may not see it again. I took up good habits and made changes for the better.

In this time I have learned that not everyone understands, not everyone will want to be a part of me, and not everyone is willing to accept my burden and look past it to see the real me. More important then knowing that some will reject me is learning that some will embrace me. I have been blessed to find friends that love me for who I am even with my faults and blunders, my hills and my valleys. It is those who really want to know me and truly love me that make me want to open my eyes everyday to face another day of reality.

As much as I love them it is too much for me to ask for them to know how I feel all the time. Most of the time I don't even really know, it is all still so new to me. I do know I long for love, friendship, compassion and understanding. I still hope for that someone to fill the void in my heart.

I ask to be understood. I ask to use reason instead of fear and snap judgments. Open up to me , I will open up to you and we can both see the world with new eyes.

Oh Ms. Shirley you make me want to be a bad boy

2005-04-15T08:37:00.000-07:00

Thanks to Mike I went to see Garbage at the Tabernacle last night and it was nothing short of kick ass. The only thing I would have changed was to eliminate the fat man rubbing up against me and the springy girl that was jumping all over Mike all night (I think 1 Red Bull is ok but I bet she had a case for dinner!).

I was thinking last night as Ms. Manson was calling me her bad boyfriend how gay men have their diva women. Gay men love Cher, Madonna, Whitney, Brittany and yes even Hillary (Muff I mean Duff, not to be confused with the great Mrs. Clinton). Well take them, those over blown, over paid pop princess are not worth the price of admission. Give me Shirley over them any day, the bitch is awesome. I grew up loving The Rolling Stones, STP, The Black Crows without many hard core women musicians in my lineup. I think Carol King is great, Sheryl Crow is amazing and Aretha will take the house down but I want a woman who will chew me up, spit me out and then rough me up a little. I still want to spend a night out with Anna Matronic (Scissor Sisters) but Ms. Shirley you made me sting and I want some more.

Pink thong,Running Nurses and a Big, Gay Dolphin.

2005-04-12T10:32:00.000-07:00

Let me apologize for my MIA from posting but work has had me running around like a mad man. So much to tell you that it may come out like a scoop of mash potatoes in a lunch room food fight but here goes:
#1) Randomly I took a trip to Myrtle Beach two weekends ago. It was like one second I was eating my eggs at breakfast and then the next I was in the car with Mike,Vic and Keri on a six hour road trip to the Red Neck Riviera! It was well needed to. Sometimes tacky times are the best. We cruised down the strip and laughed at the high school thugs on spring break, we ate at a crazy large all you can eat buffet, we played skee ball in the arcades, walked on the boardwalk, went shopping at the Gay Dolphin Gift Shop, and made friends with a single tooth, pink thong wearing bar wench at a townie bar. Hell we played miniature golf. Sometimes you just have to listen to Back and Black and Fancy in the same sitting.

#2) This weekend was the 5K that I have been planning for work for months. I have never been so happy with an event that I have planned. It was as close to perfection as they get. Thanks to all who supported me and helped. You guys are awesome!

#3) I have been spoiled. Never can I watch Showgirls again without audience participation. Thanks Mike for suggesting the midnight movie because I have never had so much fun at a movie. " I have a problem with pussy,” Preach on brother.

#4) This makes me mad: http://www.nytimes.com/2005/04/12/nyregion/12clinton.html I will never know why gay republicans exist. It might be the biggest oxymoron in the world.

Today I am gathered, calm , cool, collected (with exception to #4 which just ticks me off, I miss you Bill.) I am back on track so check in more because I have a lot more to say. Remember to remain silent is to approve so speak up and speak out, we still have that freedom, at least for now.

Level headed

2005-03-24T06:36:00.000-08:00

It seems like more and more lately I have to remind myself that it only takes a few people to spoil a bunch. While I am not a religious man I do not fault people who are. More often I commend then on believing in something and standing by it. There was a time I thought that religion helped teach social norms and have to be good to a stranger. I think faith and spirituality are wonderful ideas. I worry that these people who are guided by religion but not ruled by it are being lumped into a stereotype idea of a "Christian?" I myself am not one but I also say you are free to be, just don't tread on me. I hope that people out there are able to find a balance because right now the situation looks bad. The extremist Christian movement is wanting to take over the country and if you don't believe exactly what they do then you are wrong,therefore not creditable and if you defy them they might even shoot you(thanks NRA). Delay might be the most evil man in this country hiding behind the shield of being a Christian. Read his call to arms.
http://news.yahoo.com/newstmpl=story&u=/nm/20050323/pl_nm/rights_schiavo_politics_dc

I would never ask someone to give up their faith I only ask two things:

1. Make a reasonable, well informed judgment instead of letting your preacher think for you.

2. Keep YOUR god out of MY government!!!!

The NRA is a joke!

2005-03-23T08:52:00.000-08:00

You would think that a group that wanted to protect the right to bear arms would be a group that would also want to teach gun owners responsibility of gun ownership. This group had no shame in having a rally after the Columbine shooting with absolute no respect to family, and friends of those victims. In the years since then they have made little moves in teaching and promoting responsible gun behavior. I am all for hunting rifles but what a hunter needs with a semi automatic weapon is beyond my conception and I would LOVE for someone to explain why they would need such a weapon in their house. Speaking of which, the Republican Party being the puppets of these extremist groups that they are were more than happy to let the ban on these types of weapons expire. In the time since we have seen a rise in gun related deaths. Look at the past two weeks with the murders in the Texas courtroom, the Atlanta Courtroom, the shootings in Philly, the lady who shot people at church and now another school shooting, the worse since Columbine. You may not hear too much about this case given that this happened in a poor, Native American area. As the economic situation here worsens for the poor and middle class, violent crime rises, it is a fact. Can we afford the go back to the 80's where in most large cities was at an all time high? When are people going to wake up and stop blaming t.v. and finally start addressing the issue? I would love to know why the NRA should not be more accountable for what they promote. In my eyes this is a dangerous and irresponsible group that needs to make their motives clear. No longer will the "right to bear arms" be a suitable answer because it is bigger than that and they know it. No more mind games, grow up NRA and be the responsible organization you claim to be.

In other news I found out that the rulers of the USA are not required to justify their actions. What's new you say? Well did you know that the group in place to guard against terrorism doesn't have to justify any of its action to Congress, so they have more power than Bushy himself. Considering the people who lead this group that is scary. Also if you are questioned or held on the suspicion that you could be a terrorist and then later let go because you aren't one, it is illegal for you to tell anyone about it. BULLSHIT, the first person I would talk to is CNN. I would walk right downtown and have a sit down with Anderson Cooper. We have been bullied and scared into giving up our liberties as Americans. We are pushing closer to a government controlled by only a few and mostly on a federal level. Isn't this what Reagan told everyone to fear during the cold war? Was it not the leading point against the Democrats then? How long before this government has non-Christians rounded up for moral obstruction. Are we becoming 1940's Germany? I doubt it, but the similarities are scary.

An ode to Mr. Frank

2005-03-20T16:51:00.000-08:00

My sister came for a visit this weekend which was just what I needed. She and I are really close and we don't often get to spend one on one time together, so it was just nice to have her to myself for a few days. During her visit we discuss our family a good bit. She lives closer to my parents and grandparents so she often fills me in on details my parents omit. She explained to me that my grandfather is not doing well and is not able to get around very well and that his paranoia is beginning to become a major problem. I have written a few entries about him and his strange ways but this conversation was sad and sobering. As strange as he can be I have always admired the man. He has always been very kind to others and had a will like no one I have ever met. To know that he is now dependent on others breaks my heart. I spoke with him today and his words were the same but I also know his spirit is broken. Death is never something we look toward no matter how inevitable it is. I know he is a fighter and will go when he is good and ready but I wonder if in his current state he sits and waits for it? I wonder if in away we all do? Do we sit and lament what we never did or do we smile at all we have accomplished? I told him I love him when we ending our chat but I never told him how much his life has meant to me. I worry saying those words to him may only make him think I have given up on him but really know I wish I could be more like him.

Consumption Junction

2005-03-15T19:27:00.000-08:00

I was sitting in Taco Bell today in a bit of a funk (what's new) when I noticed an employee having her lunch. She couldn't be more than twenty and I noticed she was expecting. At this sight my mind started to make up scenarios of her life. I imaged how hard things must be to be that young and having to make ends meet while dealing with future of being a mother providing for her child. In reality I really don't know her story but I know that her expression was that of someone with great worries and she was exhausted. I spend most of my time in here writing of my worries and strife mostly because I need a sounding board for myself to process the crap in my head. This brief instance today was a reminder that everyone has troubles and makes me want to make mine work for me while working to give something back to those who are less fortunate than myself. In theory this sounds grand but I honestly believe that the littlest spark can make a flame. The past week has been about the person I strive to be verses the person I am. I realize I set lofty goals and then beat myself when I fall short, but the ideal I need to keep in mind is that I have to continue to peruse those goals and not to get lost in the process. I will be a better friend, brother, son and person but please be patient if I fall short time to time. I can only hope that my overall contribution will outweigh my failures.

Show me your big magic bunny

2005-03-12T09:42:00.000-08:00

I went into the Yacht Club for a drink with Drago and Dixon. Now this bar is mix of bikers, stage performers, musicians and Little 5 locals which only adds to the bar's mystic. As we were having our drink at the bar a man walks in wearing a tuxedo shirt and pants carrying a pet carrier cage. About the time we started to ask the question the bartender says "that's ____ and his magic rabbits! WTF? She explains that he is a local magician who uses two rabbits in his act. As she explains this a crowd of ladies start to gather around the cage and he opens it and pulls out the largest rabbit I have ever seen. Before I know really what is happening he produces a deck of cards has us look them over to prove they are regular cards, then has us pick a card from the deck. He then puts that card back with the others and then spreads the cards out in front of the rabbit who is able to pick the chosen card from the deck with it's teeth. Before I could call a time out the act was repeated three more times. Great know I am blessed with the knowledge that there is a rabbit out there with more talent than me!

There you are

2005-03-06T13:07:00.000-08:00

I decided to pull out some old CDs to listen to today. I found a collection of songs by local bands from college and decided that would do. As the music played I found myself drifting back to a wonderful place. At the time I did not know it but these were defining moments not only in my taste in music but in who I have become today. The music was not something you would hear on the radio but a very independent sound, shaped in chords that meant more than selling albums. Groups like Jupiter Coyote, Cravin Melon, Gran Turino, and Jump Little Children made there way around college towns playing to crowds who paid $5 for a ticket. Life was so unknown then, the world seemed mine to discover. Thanks for the ride back guys.

Sure she can act but the bitch is crazy

2005-03-04T06:58:00.000-08:00

Oh Pop Culture and the oddities of Hollywood. It is amazing what having more money than God will make you do. Take Julie Roberts for example. She falls head over heals for some dude that worked on the set of one of her movies and wants to marry him. The problem is The man is married already! That is not even the crazy part. So this Oscar winning actress decided to pay-off the mans wife to divorce him so they can get married. I have seen this guy and all I can say is he must be giving out some hot lovin cause he is not much to look at. Maybe it was his wit and in depth perspective on set lighting that won her over, who knows. All I know is that is CRAZY!!!! Now they live in New Mexico on a ranch raising those twins she just popped out. If these are the people we look up to how in hell is anyone going to have a happy and stable relationship. One day you are the happy ever after couple and the next someone is giving you money to get out the way. I think all parties in this case are guilty and we should be able to throw rotten fruit at them as punishment for making this "news worthy." I think she is a fine actress, oh Shelby why did you have that baby, I just want to believe in Happily Ever After and this crazy nut is paying off wives to divorce their husbands. Now the wife I will say was smart. She was going to lose her husband and why would she even want to keep him after he ran around on her so she made some money on the deal, oh the American way. Now this guy, he has cheated on his wife who is to say he won't cheat on Julia and maybe with someone more famous and with more money, nah that's crazy talk.

Voices From the Edge

2005-03-03T07:58:00.000-08:00

I stole the title of this entry from a book I read last year. It was stories about artist of all types who have major disabilities and how they have adapted to their particular hardship and use it to inspire their work. I picked up the book mainly because I have some background in employment law and more specific The Americans with Disabilities Act. The book dealt a great deal with ADA and I thought it would be a good read. That being said this entry has little to do with the book or its subject matter. It is the title that moved me to write today. I was going to title it brain purge two but that is boring. I love self discovery and last week I spent time listening to me and thinking about my actions and this is the crap that stuck with me.

I am not perfect, nor to I pretend to be. I let my dirty laundry pile up, I love to sleep late, I hate crowded places, I hate pretending and gay boys in tank tops, I despise the smell of canned tuna, even surrounded by people I often feel lonely and disconnected, I live to make others happy which often makes me miserable, I lust too much and love even more, I live in fear of my health, I still think about Nick from time to time and even sometimes smile,fucker, I like used cloths, and cheesy movies, two glasses of wine make tipsy and one margarita makes me horny, I love that first drag of a cigarette and after that it is just not as good, I watch a lot of porn, and the computer is the closest thing to a relationship I have, I have not had "the sex" in years and I hate sympathy hand jobs, Reality TV frustrates me but I loved Project Runway, I like staying in with friends playing games and gay men often frighten me, I worry about dying and leaving nothing, I want to make the world a better place, yet sometimes I am self-consumed, I like being the optimistic one but often find it tiring, I get lost, I have no direction. Sunshine, jellybeans and shit like that , is that what I am? It is deeper and darker but I hate letting go, giving in. I have a light, I want to shine, I love what life has waiting for me. No one judges me but me, I am who I am and I like being weird, strange and a dork, I find myself today more comfortable,self- assure, and independent than ever but yet I still have fears and troubles and worries. Don't we all?

Ouch! You hit me with your blog....

2005-02-16T07:10:00.000-08:00

I love to read other peoples blogs. Blogs are such a great form of self-expression BUT I have noticed a recurring trend. Blogs allow people to be passive aggressive with people, especially when they are angry. Even better sometimes you will read a blog where you know a person is wording the entry as a personal attack on someone who most likely will read it. Now I love reading these, kind of like watching "The Blogs of Our Lives." What I don't enjoy is passive aggressive approaches to say what you feel. Why are we so worried about speaking our mind and telling people when we are upset or hurt? People in general are afraid of putting themselves out there free of any defense. The result of this means people are bottling up emotions until they explode like that giant, firework, rocket your dad would never give you $50 to buy. I lived a large portion of my life like this. In recent years I have thought of how much this hurts the idea of open and honest relationships and have made efforts to speak my mind when I feel it is necessary. I wish I could say I do it all the time but I am still a work in progress. I will say however I am much happier when I do.

RANDOM SPEAKING MY MIND:

The fat free muffin I had today tasted like cotton....Like the kind you take out of a aspirin bottle.
I HATE reality TV but Project Runway is the best show ever! (Jay I want to be your friend!)
I was disappointed to learn that www.getoutofmyhead.com is taken cause I wanted that space.
I learned that good credit is required to open a savings account to save money to pay off your bad debt....WTF?!?

Aftermath and other pleasant thoughts

2005-02-15T07:14:00.000-08:00

Yesterday was Valentines Day, how sweet. I tried to get in the spirit of things. I made cookies, wore a red striped "Where's Waldo" sweater and even bought little valentines which I never even gave out. In the words of Vic all I needed was a big sign around my neck that said "HOMO". The sad thing about it is I love being the dork. After years of trying to run from it I not only accept it but I strive for it. I like being a bit of a misfit and sitting on the cusp of it all. I am a bit sad I did not give out one valentine..... Damn You Voice of Reason!!!!!!!!

Anywho, I received my quickie horoscope today. I decided to include it below:

Quickie:You're letting your emotions get the better of you. Chill out, already!

Whoever writes these things.."GET OUT OF MY HEAD!!!!!"

I hope every single person out there has a wonderful day and feel good that they did not drop an ass load of money on someone last night. Yes I am bitter, I want flowers bitch!

Love ya, mean it????

2005-02-14T12:16:00.000-08:00

We talk a lot and have a a lot to say. Now how much of what we say really has any substance is a whole different issue. I often listen to people talk who speak only to make noise, so we know they exist but really add very little to conversation. I understand wanting to be heard but if you are going to say something please make it relevant and enlightening. I say this only because in all the talking we do, is the point lost and do we use meaningless conversation to cover and hide true, raw emotion. I think I do sometimes. If I like someone why can't I say "hey I like you, lets go out sometime." No I have to talk in circles, make the situation even more complicated and ruin any chance of the date ever happening. The world is flooded with extra fluff that dilutes the meaning of a simple phrase. When I say I love you I want it to be like you have never heard those words spoken before but when said you are overcome with a hot rush of emotion and know exactly what I mean and just how much I mean it. Too many words set to some meaningless promise only compromises the pure emotion this phrase sets forth. I use love as an example because today is the day of love but this transcends across the board. So with that being said I will stop talking now...

Addendum

2005-02-14T11:52:00.000-08:00

After melting down in my last entry I spent some time in reflection of why and also I am so emotional as of late. After a good conversation with a few people I realized I am just hormonal and that is ok. I am sexually frustrated (like most), and I realized I am emotionally lonely. I have all this great support around me but I do long for the right person to come in a fill this last void. I also realized I that I can't force that so it will happen when it does and I just have to deal with being funky from time to time. I also am overly apologetic for my emotions...I have to hold that one against my mother cause she hates for people to show raw emotion. I will work on that one but it may take some time.

FEARS

2005-02-07T13:02:00.000-08:00

I try to be as open as possible but I know there are issues I rarely let surface. Most often they play out like little skits in my head. I just don't like to complicate things with more issues. I am lucky to have great friends who are always open to letting me talk about my issues but often these are too difficult to put into words. My fears of lust and intimacy or of my thoughts of spaces between life and death can often sound grim and much darker than I intend them to be. I fear totally honesty especially when it comes to love and how my love will only complicate situations. I hate falling in love and never having the balls to expose it. I know we all fear something and it always seems to be looming over our shoulders ready to get us. I guess that my fear might be who I am, my real identity and it not being what people see from the surface. Wow this has turned into a moment of self-loathing and that is not me. I think I am on the emotional short bus again along with having a case of Keri's Cosmic Horn has got me all out of wack. I need to figure out what the hell is my problem and get back to this. More to come.....

I look at all the lonely people

2005-02-04T13:36:00.000-08:00

I was out running errands yesterday when I decided to grab lunch at a chain restaurant, I won't say which one but man I love their salad bar!!! So there I was alone eating my salad when I overheard a man getting chatty with his waitress. He spoke on how he does pushups twice a week and how he worked as a waiter before and how he needed to know what all comes on top of the cheesecake. All the while this sweet waitress that spoke broken English just smiled and nodded her head in agreement waiting for her chance to break away. You know he didn't want her to leave because every time she though he was finished, he would start up some other crazy conversation, holding her captive with his words and her desire for a good tip. Listening to this I first said to myself, "what a weirdo" but the more he spoke the more I wanted to scream at him to shut up and let the poor girl be. Once I got a grip I realized that he just wanted to talk to someone and for someone to listen to him. He wasn't trying to be annoying, he was just painfully lonely. I was moved by his effort because I realize how sad it is to be lonely. The rest of the day I thought about this man and wondered how many like him are out there and could that happen to me? It was only fitting that I played Eleanor Rigby and wept a bit last night. With all the bad things in my life I still realize how lucky I am not to be alone.

Finding Our Place

2005-01-31T14:36:00.000-08:00

I preach alot I know. I love to stand high above on my soap box and rattle off the things that make me crazy and angry and sad. Lately I have been stuck on the idea of conformity, so sit back as I climb on up.....

We walk through life trying to achieve the ideals placed in front of us. These ideals of life, of work, of health, of fashion and of love. We work hard to "blend in" and when we see someone who "sticks out" we point and snicker at them for being themselves. I often wonder if people spend some much time worrying about fitting in, do they forget who they are and what makes them special. It is only now on the brink that I see how much time I wasted in my youth worrying about "fitting in" and having an "ideal life." People disguise themselves for so long that when they finally do let go to their true form it is often too late and they are cold and hard to the world. Unable to see the beauty they have to offer.

Conformity is a killer. It takes your souls and chews it up. It hides art, and expression. It shortens our time to be us, to be free and to be happy. Worry not about what someone thinks of you and worry more about what you think about yourself.

Do you even know I am here?

2005-01-06T13:00:00.000-08:00

The other day I was in the bathroom at work. Lets say I was studying in a stall. (ok that is usually way too personal for me to talk about but in this case it is relevant) So this guy walks in, uses the bathroom, washes his hands, turns the light off and leaves. Here I am alone in the dark bathroom stall wondering what to do? If I do not hurry to turn on the lights and someone else came in then they would think I was some freak sitting in the bathroom alone with the lights off. It made mad, then it made me think....

Do you even know I am here or do you pretend not to notice. What if I spoke out to you, so you would hear my voice, forcing you to recognize my existence. I know you see me but do you see what is really there? Alas, my voice is silenced by my fear of your rejection. Hoping that one day you will understand how I feel and then speak to me.

There are signs all around you.....

2005-01-06T11:22:00.000-08:00

All you have to do is open your eyes.

I love words of wisdom. I like little sayings or song lyrics that I can identify to. I am always on the look out for them. Fortune cookies are the best because they are so vague that you can almost always identify with the words. I think what it does, at least for me, is force me to think how they apply to my current life and cause me to focus on the issues of the time. It's a great manipulation by the fortune cookie Mafia. I read my horoscope today. I have decided to paste it below:

Aquarius Horoscope for week of January 6, 2005
"I can't find nobody as crazy as me," mourns bluegrass singer Alison Krauss in her song, "Crazy as Me." You may have had that thought yourself on occasion, Aquarius, especially lately. But you don't have to feel that way anymore. More than one unusual character is hovering at the outskirts of your world. Say the word, and they will venture closer, raising your level of unpredictable experiences. That would mostly be a good thing, though not completely free of harrowing brushes with comic weirdness. Your watchword for the coming weeks comes from another singer, Thalia Zedek: "Trust not those...without some touch of madness."

Wow how did he know? I mean this is me. I do love crazy people.
BTW check out your own at http://www.freewillastrology.com/horoscopes/.

After some deep thought I started to wonder why I will listen to strangers and cookies but not the ones who know me well. I was told recently that I am harder on myself that anyone else. Well ok I am. Someone else said " I try so hard to make everyone else happy that I make myself miserable." I pretend not to hear them but I know it is true. I want so hard for everyone I care about to be happy that I often end up over extending myself and pissing people off. I would like to say that this will change but I am not sure I can. I really want to give as much as possible to as many people as possible. Hamlet had his flaw and I have mine.

So keep your eyes open for signs but keep your ears open to the wisdom of those who know you. Maybe one day we will listen.

Brain Purge

2005-01-03T06:56:00.000-08:00

I know I normally talk in circles and make little sense of things but this entry is just a brain purge. I ride the emotional short bus and this is my dump truck of sorts. It may speak to you or it may just seem like a jumbled mess but hey that's me....

Flooded with emotions of confusion and excitement, of jealousy and bitterness, I open my heart to a brilliant darkness. It consumes me. I am neither lost nor mapped but in a state of emotional flux. People drift around me like ghost of the past as well as spirits of my future. Haunted with those of the past and at times frightened of those in my future. Your face is there and will not leave me. I am fine with you there but what does that mean? What am I being told and why does it feel right at the wrong time?

Beyond the reach of one individual there stands more. This time faces I love but never can complete. Always this sense that I have disappointed them, my friends, my loved ones. I investigate only to find even more anguish and sorrow. I strive for their happiness in my existence and wonder why the darkness follows me here?

This is for you... All of you. For all the love that stops just short and can never be what we want. It is for her and him and them and you. The faces that give me warmth with their smiles but often haunt my dreams. I love you.

but I look at your pants and I need a kiss....

2004-12-28T06:27:00.000-08:00

I have never considered myself "sex crazed." You know one of those people who has it on the mind all the time. I mean there is nothing wrong with that, I just never had that kind of drive. I am one of those who has trouble defining the difference between sex and love and with my developments over the last year I just tend to use some downloaded movies as an outlet when the feeling hits and even that is not very often. (sorry if that is TMI) Something is off lately cause my drive is through the roof. I mean, it is always there. One night not too long ago I had a little too much to drink and was obsessed with the idea of not going to sleep until I got a kiss. That one was innocent enough but it is my dreams that are starting to heat up. In 27 years I could count my sex dreams on one hand and in the last week I have had three! The strange part is how vivid they seem to be and who is in them. One involved a friend of mine who is dating someone and the other involved cast members from Saved by the Bell. Something is really out of wack with my hormones and I think I may have to go under ground until I get this all in check or otherwise, watch out.

Tortured Prophet

2004-12-16T21:00:00.000-08:00

There is this guy out there who is hard to define, but that is his attraction. He shines in shade and stimulates the soul. He has the world to offer and only wants love in return. This enigma to the world I know hardly knows me but reads me like a book. He sees my fears and shares his with me. I am fortunate to call him a friend. I told you I didn't want to cry but I did. Thank you.

The Journal of Human Lactation

2004-12-16T07:33:00.000-08:00

So I have started my new job at the School of Nursing and was given a "office" which I share with a part-time faculty member. She is a very nice woman but her area of expertise is on breast-feeding. Being the man I am it is really alarming to look up at the walls and see women breast feeding. I really think the worst are the posters that are like PSA's with objects alluding to breast feeding. I know I will never look at two scoops of ice cream side by side with a cherry on top of each the same way again.

The end is the beginning is the end...

2004-12-14T19:05:00.000-08:00

Not that great of a song but I do love the pumpkins and it is definately how I feel. The world is in flux and the planets are on the move, I got a job that pays me money, real money, ok so actually more money but I can afford things now...God I missed things, I am such a capitalist. So new job comes at a price, my roommate and best friend in the world has also found a new job which is taking him away. Its great for him and great for me but as I look back on life, this is my next crossroads and like I said things are changing, what that means I have not figured out just yet. I do know that I am excited about expanding on new friendships, working hard for my employment growth and getting out there to explore and take it all in.

Homework:

take a few moments to look back on the events that have shaped your life. It is always good to see where you came from.

I got something to say

2004-12-10T08:44:00.000-08:00

What happened to T.V. ? Is it some rule that we must watch reality T.V. all the time? I live in reality what I need is an escape! It's ok that there is reality TV, in fact I like one,I refuse to admit which one, but that seems to be all that is on. With the end of some really good shows there is not much outside of Desparete Housewives worth watching anymore. What about the writers? Is there a need for them anymore? Just something I wonder about. To be honest, if it wasn't for Comedy Central then I might not turn the thing on at all.

Suck it up, gowing up and man, my family is strange

2004-10-14T09:42:00.000-07:00

OK, so if you read my blog you may have been thinking that I never made it out of Funkytown alive. Well I did. Unfortunately, my muse for writing tends to be emotion and boy was I just a big ball of sap this summer. So I took a new attitude and am ready to bring it to my blog. Now you may say, hey Jamie WTF!?! you did this already with your wake up call. Well you are right but I feel off but I continue to jump on.

So a little update...

I love my tigers but damn they just are not looking like the team from last year. I still think a Clemson game in Death Valley is one of the best so I continue to go and will always back them a 100%, but damn 1-4! When I was younger this would make me cry and ruin my weekend but I just roll with the punches now. My only away game this year is #3 Miami. Hey win or lose it is 4 days in South Fl. visiting my awsome buddy Rob.

Now you know my family is just too odd for words but I still want to give an update on a few of them.

Grand has informed me that he now buys some food from "The Dollar General Store" becuase they have alot of good deals. He also is now drinking Green Tea becuase it was on sale there. The kicker is he only uses 1 tea bag a week. So he saves the tea bags for days at a time. This can not be healthy!

My mother decided to up and move becuase she needs a bigger house now that my sister and I no longer live at home. Now to her credit the house is awsome but when she told me why she needed a bigger house I really almost lost it. Seems that she needs her own Mary Kay office. OK a little run down. My grandmother has her own room for when she visits and my sister have to share a bedroom when everyone is there because Mary Kay needs her own room.

Well I am back and hope to keep this at least a weekly check in from here own out, so keep checking back.

I am on the next bus out of Funkytown

2004-07-19T10:16:00.000-07:00

In case you don't know this about me already, I love movies! Even more so I love going to the movies. I have gone to 10 movies so far this summer with 6 more on my must see list. I often go alone and to honest prefer going alone. It is my escape. I can go into this big, dark room and shut out the rest of the world. I will see anything because I get lost in movies like people get lost in books. Every realistic and documentaries are an escape for me. A movie can help me express emotions that I suppress because of the fear I have of burdening the world with me and my complex bag. I have been in a funk the last few days, well honestly the last few months. I find it harder and harder to keep the cheery and often optimistic attitude that has become my calling card. I honestly can sometimes feel myself slipping so I use the movies as a way to run away from my own harsh realities and live in someone else's world for a few hours. There I can be the dashingly handsome man who fights for love without rolling over and surrendering. The man who dares to live out his wildest dreams. I can be in action packed movie or unrealistic movie where issues of our day to day life do not exist. In movies, the poor man can succeed, love conquers all and evil is always overpowered by good.

My mother is not only a client but your LEADER

2004-07-15T12:54:00.000-07:00

I received a phone call this week from my mother. I found this rather odd because she is not the one to do the calling, you must contact her, well unless she wants something.

First off she wanted to inform me that she has be given a promotion to a larger post office. Great now she controls more people. She also informed me that the local once a week paper in that town ran a front page article on her and her new position and how there was a few sentences about me in there. Stop the presses...what do I have to do with this?

It also was to my surprise that she also wanted to inform me she was going to Dallas. This seemed like normal news to me because she travels a lot due to her position with the post office. She is not only a post master but also leads the state audit team and has to travel a great deal to workshops and do perform audits. The punch line came after she informed me of her destination. "No one from works knows where I am going" "What?", I replied. The she went for the kill. "I have been asked to speak at the annual Mary Kay Convention." I had to hold the tears back because I knew this was important to her and I try not be mean to her, although she use to love to stomp on my dreams I try never to sink to her level. So I gasped for air and asked, "congratulations! What are you speaking about?" She said, "I have no idea but they called me and I am the top performer for my region and asked me to speak".

I should be happy for her because she was so excited but all I kept thinking was, you are missing work to talk about make-up? I guess my biggest fear in this whole conversation is that overlords of MK have given her more power and recognition and there will be no end to her reign of terror by make-up.

Stuck in the middle with you

2004-07-08T13:35:00.000-07:00

I think my curse in life is the play mediator and try and make everyone happy. It is a constant battle I face and it times it is too much for me to take and I wig out. I hate people to be mad at me or unhappy so I am often compromising or just giving up. Often I have nothing to do with the situation at all yet try and bring people to a compromise. Some say a gift I say I am cursed. I can't believe I ever worked in staffing cause talk about playing mediator. No wonder I hated that job. I always give in and always let the other one win cause it just takes too much time and energy to fight. I have been doing it all my life. The oldest child of divorced parents will do that do you. I always was having to deliver messages to the other side or defend the others actions in their absence. That is a lot of mental work for a ten year old. Now my parents live about 40 minutes apart from one another and when I go home I spend the time trying to see everyone and making sure everyone gets and equal share or I never hear the end of it. It is no wonder I avoid going home. I feel like I could use my powers to at least make more money. Like a labor negotiator or peace talks in the Middle East.

Look where I have been

2004-07-08T07:30:00.000-07:00

create your own personalized map of the USA
or write about it on the open travel guide

Gay Marriage... my take on it

2004-07-07T10:40:00.000-07:00

Ok I am so going to piss someone off with this, but since no one reads my page I feel safe enough to write it.

If you have read any of my past entries you know I believe in legalizing gay marriage. Do I think this is going to strengthen the institution of marriage? Hell No. I believe in equal rights and not granting those rights is treating homosexuals as second class citizens. Straight people have destroyed marriage. The divorce rate in this country is at an all time high. Oh but my parents aren't divorced you say, well good for you. I bet you do not have to think real hard to come up with 5 of your friends whose parents are divorced. The state of marriage is in complete shambles. Today television is filled with short lived Hollywood marriages, reality marriage shows and Divorce Court. What the gay population wants is to show that they live normal lives and that they love just like everyone else. This very true, they also fall out of love just as fast as everyone else. There is no way that gay marriage will strengthen the institution just like there is no way gay marriage will weaken it. Some will make it and to them I say alright, but many will fall short. I myself make no plans for marriage, my parents showed my how much fun all that crap is and I will pass on it thank you.

So I am all for gay marriage. The gay community pays taxes just like everyone else and should be allowed to make the same mistakes as everyone else. End of discussion.

Wake Up Call

2004-07-06T11:17:00.000-07:00

Cause sometimes we just need one. No this is NOT one of my political tirades. It is just what it says, a Wake Up Call. All too often I drift from day today like a dream content of what life serves me. While inside there is this voice saying, "WTF Jamie? this is so not who you are!" So here I am taking back the reins and giving that other guy a big old slap in the face WACK! (don't you miss the old Batman show from time to time?) If you ask some people who their enemy is they will often say time, well I say BS. Our enemies are pessimism,Procrastination and Motivation. Well today I just used my utility belt to wipe them away. Today I set some goals and because I have nothing to hide I would like to share them with you, like to hear?,here it go....

1. My favorite time of the year is approaching, no not figure skating, college football. Before you start this sure bit. Ask any of my close friend what a freaking football nut I am.
I am going to see my tigers take on the canes in warm Miami in November (this trip is all but a done deal but I have to make sure it is done)

2. Spend a long, relaxing weekend in Charleston soon. (this one is for you Jennifer)

3. Try to learn something totally new..i.e. a instrument or foreign language

4. Get my white butt to Europe before next summer

5. Stop being so go with the flow, be more aggressive with people (ok that one sounds mean but I am such a push over)

6. Get involved. So many causes that want to support and now is the time to do it.

7. Make a difference

Some have more details than others but it is a blue print and this time next year I want to be able to start a whole new list, and wow you with my musical stylings on the accordion...just kidding, well maybe.

Objectivity,Optimism,&Order

2004-07-06T10:53:00.000-07:00

All of these are lofty ideas. I would like to think that I am these things and at times I am but I often fall short of the 100% mark. As I enjoyed living in America and celebrating all she gives me so openly I reflected on some of these ideas. My inspiration came from a great documentary I saw over the holiday weekend, (no, it wasn't Fahrenheit 911) Control Room. I am not going to write a review about this movie so look it up if you don't know what it is about. Patriotism is not an American idea but all too often we as Americans think that everyone else wants to be us and that no one else is proud of their country. It took a proud Arab man to bring this idea home. Here is a man who believes in American Democracy (the ideal, not the reality that falls so short) and yet he loves his country and cares so much for its people that he is willing to speak out against not only a former Iraqi dictator but also against the US. Both parties are guilty of not caring about the people of Iraq. It took this man in a far off place to ring home my faith in what democracy can do.

I believe in media objectivity but realize that it is an ideal that never happens.

I am optimistic that I will find love,that I won't get sick,that my tigers will win 10 games this season but more importantly I am optimistic that the American people can stop this war of personal gain and senseless killing.

I know that with new leadership that there will be world order again and the UN can do their job with out being bullied by the US.

My mother is in a cult...

2004-06-25T10:13:00.000-07:00

I have started to worry about the cost of de-programming her. My mother and I have had a shaky past but I really think she has lost it. The woman has done really well for herself considering she did not finish college. She is a Post-Master in South Carolina and is the bread winner for the family. It scares me that she is a Post-Master of a small community because that means if it ever fell into Marshall law then she would be the leader. Bless her, but I know she would be drunk with power and oh the thought of those poor people makes it difficult to sleep some nights.
Anyway my mother also has a another job. She sells Mary Kay Cosmetics. You may say, "what is wrong with that?" and to you I say "you must not know anyone who pushes the stuff." The women is relentless. Where ever we go she stops and talks to people about it. Whenever I call or come home its all she talks about. I mean people see her coming and run. Now part of being on the Mary Kay team is that you must enlist troops. Thank god I am not a girl. She has my step-sister and my sister signed up and has just stopped short of having me go door to door with the crap. She always is asking "don't I know someone who would like to buy some?" When I visit she keeps giving me propaganda to take back to Atlanta. At Christmas I asked for more Polo Blue cologne and ended up with a MK "equivalent". Her argument was that their brand was better and she just couldn't give money to a competitor, oh yeah the people at Ralph Lauren are shaking in fear. I can't even bring friends home at the risk of her attacking them like a restaurant pusher in the mall. "Bourbon Chicken?"

Ok still think I am exaggerating? Below is a letter she sent out to her "troops" this past winter.

Hi Everyone,

I am not sure I have been able to personally talk with each of you since the ice storm hit Orangeburg, but it was devastating to me. We not only lost many trees, one of the River Birches at each end of my porch, electricity for a week, everything out of the fridge and freezer but I was also not able to finish car production in January. I was not and could call and talk with people about MK when much more important things were on peoples minds, like electricity, food, and for some even shelter since tree limbs had gone through the roofs of houses. It was a disaster, we could not get out of our drive or street until neighbors cut us out on Tuesday afternoon. We immediately headed out for hot food as all we had was 1 slice of pizza each which we heated on a kerosene heater. My husband did try to make me see the brighter side of the picture, I could do another 4 months to make car production, I had already almost done it (all but $700 in production) so I could do it again. I knew I could but I was so devastated, however, I had resigned myself to starting again.

Debbie called the last night and asked where I was and I said I did not make it, she stated maybe MK would let me have an extension because of the weather and my reply was that if they did that for me that they would have to do that for everyone when the least bit of bad weather moved in across the world. Last week MK called and asked what had gone wrong for me and the team in Feb. we were so close but did not finish. I explained to them about the ice storm and that no one was interested in MK at that time, most did not have water, electricity, food and some even shelter. To make a long story short, they decided to give me until the end of February to finish car production, now is that a company we want to work for or what? It gives me goose bumps just thinking about it. They dropped Oct and will give me Feb to finish. I have to order 1000.00 which is the max I can order in one month and the team has to do 4,025, so whatever you can do to help, I do appreciate from the bottom of my heart. Please do what you can to help and I will help you in anyway I can and again I thank you from the bottom of my heart. We have such a wonderful team, even though we seldom see each other or sometimes even talk, we all know we can depend on one another when we really need someone. Thank you for your support and MK will make us better women, it is truly a blessing to be part of such an awesome company.

Love to you all,

That just makes me nauseas.

Like any parent I hope it is just a phase she will grow out of.

NO you take it, I don't think it belongs to me anymore.

2004-06-24T07:01:00.000-07:00

I really don't care which political party you belong to, most are not to be trusted anyway. Yesterday I took a step back and tried to look at the whole picture, and I really honestly cried from what this country has become. I mean EVERYONE gets wrapped up in a one issue and it over powers their emotions. So after my rant the other day on under-educated Americans and their racist views I decided to step back and determine why I was so upset. Well I think I have a handle on it, so if you are still with, me here we go.

I grew up thinking that America was about freedom and that this is a great country because we have more of it than any other country. I have to say that I am really disappointed to learn that is not true. In an administration based on hatred and deceit, we are losing the basic principle of America. First the push to put Christian values in state and Federal government institutions in a country that is suppose to be about freedom of religion and separation of church and state. A country, mind you, that is not just made up of people of Christian faith.

Then the Patriot Act, which is just an open door for racism and a tool to eliminate diversity. The plan there was let's scare Americans into believing this is the right thing to do. SO alienating another ethic group in America. I don't think I have ever been so ashamed of being a white man. I can honestly say that racism in America does still exist and that if you are not White,Straight,Male and Christian then it is not the place for you.

One argument that I just am sick of hearing is that homosexual marriage will destroy the sanctity of the institution of marriage. PLEASE! First of all if two people love each other enough to want to be together forever then they should be. Also I must reinforce that religion should play NO part in government. Plus heterosexuals have done so much to make marriage such a beautiful thing, with high divorce rates and hundreds of marriage reality shows (Who Wants to Marry my Father shows me what real marriage is suppose to be, sure). Yeah thank you for showing the world what marriage is suppose to be like, I so hope that I can uphold these strong standards of something so sacred. This so called man of the people is now pushing to amend the U.S. Constitution so that for the FIRST time in its history it would deny civil liberties to American people. That is hate and there is no other way to look at it.

I was alarmed to the reports that people are trying to stop Michael Moore's new movie from being shown. Conservatives are calling him "Un American" for giving his opinion. WTF? Since when has speaking your mind been anything but the biggest American freedom we have? I do urge anybody who questions what this administration is doing to "OUR" country to see this film (http://www.fahrenheit911.com/) and judge for yourself.

You may not agree with anything I have said but just for one moment I ask you to look at this country with someone else's eyes, maybe a Middle Easterner who came here looking for the freedom he or she did not have before. Are we still the land of the free?

What is that smell???

2004-06-23T12:57:00.000-07:00

Every so often I find it necessary to spread the news of the weird that is my family. No one is more entertaining than my grandfather or "grand" as we affectionately call him. Of course his children often call him "weird old dude", but not to his face, it is just a glowing tribute to his strange ways. If you have read my past post about him then you know that I think he is the strongest and toughest guy I have ever known. That being said, a few months back after years of heart problems he finally agreed to a pace- maker. Now the only major health issue the man has ever had is his ticker so we are now convinced that with his upgrade he will most likely out-live all of us.

Well just a few months ago my cousin Ben was married. Our family loves a good party and excuse to come together so the people of Clemmons, NC were told to evacuate before it was too late. Now my father's relationship with grand is shaky at best. Dad is the only son and is also the only child living close to my grandfather, so they are often not speaking.

I have family living near me so I was able to ride along with them to the wedding. During the trip my aunt filled me in on all the latest happenings that my father had left out of our recent conversations. It turns out that the doctor had advised my grandfather not to bath for a few DAYS after the surgery. Well my grandfather misunderstood and was adamant that the doctor said 3 months. No matter how hard my aunts tried to convince him, he just refused to wash. It really doesn't surprise me, I mean the man only shops at Food Lion grocery stores, and drives 30 minutes to buy Hess gas. To put it lightly, the man is stubborn.

So here we are on the way to my cousin's wedding in North Carolina with no clue if my grandfather would be smelly or not. I can't imagine what a week without a bath would smell like, months is just inconceivable to me.

One thing that is a constant on this huge family outings is family drama. Most of the time it involves my father and grandfather who are on a different time schedule than the rest of the world. I really do love them but it makes you want to pull your hair out sometimes. I thought that I was going to have a stroke the day of my college graduation when I go to pick them up to take them to the school and my grandfather is still in his night cloths and reading the paper. I wish that was an isolated case but I know 3 other cousins it has happen to.

During the car trip to the wedding I phoned my father(my sister and I were having issues with his cloths but that is another story)I asked him if grand had bathed and he said he just didn't know. What a relief it was when he arrived at the hotel clean and smelling of "old man" aftershave. He even showered the day of the wedding. It just goes to show, the man is full of surprises.

OPB

2004-06-22T12:11:00.000-07:00

A friend of mine told me to check out Margaret Cho's blog (www.margaretcho.com). Honestly it is really good so check it out. While on her website I found these letters to her from really mean, evil, republicans, who didn't know the first thing about her. Some called her Chinese, and others told her to go back to her home country (She was born here you stupid ass WASP). They were upset because of some remark she made about our idiot of a leader. I think she is a better person than I am because she posted them, but me I would have tracked them down like dogs. These people are exactly what is wrong with this country. I am sick of people thinking that the "white man" discovered America....hello, Native Americans that we white men stole land from and murdered. People need to understand that this country is suppose to be about free speech and, religion. This country is a melting pot of the world's people and that diversity is what still gives me hope that America has not fallen prey to the evil plots of a selfish president. Given the opportunity and the right leadership America can become strong again and united in diversity. Now these people had every right to say what they wanted but made their attacks personal and childish instead of making a rational view point. This blog is just a outlet for me to flame so if you are still reading, thanks and I promise to wrap it up soon. Don't look at someone's, color, religion,sexual preference as a personal attack but rather a chance to be yourself and not conform to an ideal that NO ONE is. All I ask is that people treat everyone as an equal, if that were to happen think how far we could go.

Thunder only happens...
On a side note every afternoon for the past two weeks it has rained, no poured for about a half an hour. The sky becomes as dark as night and the air becomes steamy, the sky fills with brilliant flashes of light and the thunder shakes the glass of my windows. I love a good display of mother nature. The best part is when the rain clears and the sun burst through the clouds and the sky becomes so clear and blue. It is almost as the sky has a daily cleaning. Don't you wish that your shower was as entertaining? Or maybe it is......

Good Times, Good Times

2004-06-21T17:56:00.000-07:00

What a wonderful weekend doing as little as possible can be. I recently took a wonderful trip to California, but it has left me counting coins until my next paycheck. That being the focal point of the weekend, my friend Keri came to entertain me while I was forced to stay in the house. So upon her arrival Friday evening, she, my other friend Rob and I went for some cheap eats at Grant Central Pizza in Grant Park (awesome cheap eats!!). We then came back fixed a few drinks and watched Return to Oz. Laugh if you must but we had all seen the movie when we were younger and it disturb us, so I thought we should give it another go. The movie is even more messed up than I remembered. The rest of the evening was us being our crazy selves talking about random topics.

The weekend theme was about cooking so Saturday Keri and I had planned on making brunch but we had a late start and brunch happened around 2:00pm but it was oh so good. The three of us then played in Borders and Whole Foods. Now you may say BORING but we had so much fun looking for Keri's special cheese! FYI tip if you are hungry and broke go to Whole Foods because you can make a meal out of all the free samples they hand out.

Keri mentioned to us a recipe for bread pudding using Krispy Kreme doughnuts and it sounded too good not to try, so we ran into the KK for supplies. That evening Keri made a awesome dinner while Rob and I made the bread pudding. Taylor had just returned from his Florida trip and decided to dine with us. Two bottles of wine, a great dinner and a dessert that would put a diabetic in the hospital later we felt very accomplish.

Keri and I have been planning to see the movie Dogeball for sometime now and since it opened this weekend I thought we should go over to the Starlight Drive in and catch the 12:45 show. (Starlightdrivein.com)the movie was about what you would expect but we enjoyed ourselves.

Upon our return from the movie, we find Taylor passed out in front of the computer. I tried to wake him by every means that did not require a straight pin but it was no use so I left him there. It was some sight.

Sunday was left over brunch and separate plans by all. I went to dinner and to see the movie Saved with my awesome friend Wayne (ofishell.com). He is a riot!

Now I did spend more money than I planned but I realized how wealthy a person I really am. All cheesiness aside, no price can be put on the time I spend with my close friends.

Never ask my grandfather "How are you doing?"

2004-06-15T07:28:00.000-07:00

That question is an open invitation for him to tell you every little ailment he suffers from, or thinks he suffers from. I guess I should tell you first that my grandfather is a bit of a hypochondriac, but at 87 most people are. To him cuts and colds are like fashion statements and he must have it worse than anyone else. Now before you go all "you should not pick at old people or sick people" on me, hear me out. Anyone who knows me knows that I don't take any illness lightly and are myself a huge hypo. I am not talking about life threatening illness, I am talking about colds,cuts,rashes and the occasional insect infestation.

My grandfather is the strongest man I know. Here is a man who has had two open heart surgeries, has a pace maker and is still more active then most people I know. A few stories jump into my head but the one that really sticks out is a few years ago he drove his dump truck down to the woods behind his house and somehow managed to flip it on its side while he was still in it. So he crawls out of the window and walks back to the house. With blood streaming down his face he asked my father to go back down there and help him get the truck back right side up. The man had a major cut right above his eye and was bleeding and all he wanted to do was get his dump truck back! He finally decided to go to the hospital to have his wounds examined and since then you would have thought he had survived a major war battle.

You see it is not so much the illness but the story he has to go with it. A few years ago he had a hernia operation and he was not satisfied until everyone saw his scare which was in places I would rather not think grandparents had...gross.

Over the past year or so he has taken to finding lots of little things wrong with him so that he can go visit his doctor. He loves his doctor and he was seeing him on average 3 times a week. The latest issue has actually caused some tension between grand and the good doctor. He is convinced that really small bugs are biting his head and neck and making him itch. This news alarmed me a bit because my father and grandfather live next door to one another in the South Carolina sticks. To makes things worse both of them work really hard, get really dirty and have no one to make them clean. Now I am not saying that they are pigs and don't bath, but neither of the two are what I would call constantly tidy. So when I heard of the head bug infestation I was worried I would have to go down there and burn all the sheets and give the two gasoline baths or something. As it turns out, there was something in my grandfather's head alright but it wasn't bugs, it was his imagination. After repeated inspections the doctor found no bugs and told my grandfather to use a gentler shampoo. Convinced that he does have bugs, my grandfather has gone to see another doctor . The last report I received is that the new doctor told him that he could not find any bugs but in case there were there he should use a special shampoo. It is nice to know that there is someone out there patient enough to put up with my grandfather's crazy ways.

This whole situation with my grandfather and his wacky ways snuck back into my day to day conciseness recently when I noticed that my friends and I now tend to discuss our "ailments" as common points of daily banter. As much as I would love to chalk up my grandfather's crazy behavior as him being him, believe me he is nuts and I could write a book to prove it, I have come to the reality that it's just a part of getting older.