Thursday, April 06, 2006
For Taylor
DISCLAIMER
Taylor asked me to write in my blog so I decided I would and dedicate it to him, however I write what is on my mind so the contents of today's blog are not a reflection of my direct thoughts of Taylor
I often stop to wonder why we as a culture or society struggle so much with identity?
Everyone I know has fought this battle at some point in their life. My mother thought she was a hippy but was really a yuppie, my sister loved Jesus only to really love a boy who loved Jesus. Why are we so compelled not to be ourselves only to comform to be what society tells us to be. I think I maybe the most guilty at this. I was never comfortable being one or the other until I realized I was really both. My identity crisis started at a young age when for my 5th birthday I long for a toy General Lee (care from The Dukes of Hazzard) and an Easy Bake Oven. Luckily I had an aunt who decided there was no reason for me not to have both. Light Bulb Cakes all around for my Great Aunt Vern. I loved playing outdoors building forts, going camping and fishing, but somedays I would play in my Aunt Toby's closest and put on what I later learned are called "Campy Drag Revues." I had every He-Man, Gi Joe and Transformer there was but sometimes I had just as much fun playing dress up with my sister's Barbies.
My parents divorced when I was 10 and I was swept away from the farm and into a larger "city" life. I made friends, played dirt bikes and remote controlled cars and in the 8th grade decided to join the choir. I was hooked on performing and in high school joined every choir there was Show, Madrigal (complete with tights) Jazz you name it, while spending my free weekends watching football and working with my dad the landscaper. Towards the end of high school I saw musical theater in my future so I even joined a dance troupe to round out my abilities.
Now a kid like this usually is miserable from the ridicule he faces from the bullies who treat him as the outcast, but I was lucky. My high school had 3,000 students and everyone has their circle with little ridicule from others. I was happy in high school. That all changed the moment I graduated and my circle of security was broken. Now I am forced to inter mingle with other circles and I realized that me being me was not alright in their eyes. One time friends turned and ran and I felt alone.
I ran from myself with a force that stirred the dead. I was frightened that if I was myself then I would end up alone. Now maybe I am overly optimistic with life but even in my detainment I was able to explore new things and learned alot about myself and what all life has to offer. I almost reveled in the pure adrenaline of masculinity I lived in. I pushed myself to achieve new experiences and found out more about myself along the way. I knew deep down that even if this was a part of me it wasn't all of me.
I took a deep breath and with the guidance of a great friend I took step one towards the other end of the spectrum. After step one I seemed to fly past the middle and end up somewhere at the end of the line. I awoke in very unfamiliar grounds. I think coming out is hard enough but the worse part in finding yourself once you do. Out of all my struggles this might have been the hardest. Gay culture seemed to be live to be free, be what you are but when I arrived it wasn't as diverse as I had thought it would be. Words like tina, bottom, top, bear, abs and Prada where being tossed at me and none of them were me. In a world of shallowness, low self-esteem, drugs, and loveless sex I felt frightened again. I found myself pushing to fit somewhere but never feeling comfortable and never being me.
I don't know if it was age, experience, meeting the right people or just coming into my own but one day I found me. I often call myself the misfit among misfits. It was a role I ran from that now I embrace. So I may obsess too much about football, love Designing Women, go hiking, or dress like a manic,yuppie, hipster at times but who cares. We are all different that is a great thing, when we can all just be what we are.
Taylor asked me to write in my blog so I decided I would and dedicate it to him, however I write what is on my mind so the contents of today's blog are not a reflection of my direct thoughts of Taylor
I often stop to wonder why we as a culture or society struggle so much with identity?
Everyone I know has fought this battle at some point in their life. My mother thought she was a hippy but was really a yuppie, my sister loved Jesus only to really love a boy who loved Jesus. Why are we so compelled not to be ourselves only to comform to be what society tells us to be. I think I maybe the most guilty at this. I was never comfortable being one or the other until I realized I was really both. My identity crisis started at a young age when for my 5th birthday I long for a toy General Lee (care from The Dukes of Hazzard) and an Easy Bake Oven. Luckily I had an aunt who decided there was no reason for me not to have both. Light Bulb Cakes all around for my Great Aunt Vern. I loved playing outdoors building forts, going camping and fishing, but somedays I would play in my Aunt Toby's closest and put on what I later learned are called "Campy Drag Revues." I had every He-Man, Gi Joe and Transformer there was but sometimes I had just as much fun playing dress up with my sister's Barbies.
My parents divorced when I was 10 and I was swept away from the farm and into a larger "city" life. I made friends, played dirt bikes and remote controlled cars and in the 8th grade decided to join the choir. I was hooked on performing and in high school joined every choir there was Show, Madrigal (complete with tights) Jazz you name it, while spending my free weekends watching football and working with my dad the landscaper. Towards the end of high school I saw musical theater in my future so I even joined a dance troupe to round out my abilities.
Now a kid like this usually is miserable from the ridicule he faces from the bullies who treat him as the outcast, but I was lucky. My high school had 3,000 students and everyone has their circle with little ridicule from others. I was happy in high school. That all changed the moment I graduated and my circle of security was broken. Now I am forced to inter mingle with other circles and I realized that me being me was not alright in their eyes. One time friends turned and ran and I felt alone.
I ran from myself with a force that stirred the dead. I was frightened that if I was myself then I would end up alone. Now maybe I am overly optimistic with life but even in my detainment I was able to explore new things and learned alot about myself and what all life has to offer. I almost reveled in the pure adrenaline of masculinity I lived in. I pushed myself to achieve new experiences and found out more about myself along the way. I knew deep down that even if this was a part of me it wasn't all of me.
I took a deep breath and with the guidance of a great friend I took step one towards the other end of the spectrum. After step one I seemed to fly past the middle and end up somewhere at the end of the line. I awoke in very unfamiliar grounds. I think coming out is hard enough but the worse part in finding yourself once you do. Out of all my struggles this might have been the hardest. Gay culture seemed to be live to be free, be what you are but when I arrived it wasn't as diverse as I had thought it would be. Words like tina, bottom, top, bear, abs and Prada where being tossed at me and none of them were me. In a world of shallowness, low self-esteem, drugs, and loveless sex I felt frightened again. I found myself pushing to fit somewhere but never feeling comfortable and never being me.
I don't know if it was age, experience, meeting the right people or just coming into my own but one day I found me. I often call myself the misfit among misfits. It was a role I ran from that now I embrace. So I may obsess too much about football, love Designing Women, go hiking, or dress like a manic,yuppie, hipster at times but who cares. We are all different that is a great thing, when we can all just be what we are.
# posted by J.F.Tobias @ 11:25 AM 
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see now that wasn't so hard.
not only that, it was very sweet and heartfelt. you made me tear up a bit, debbie van patterson-patton!
not only that, it was very sweet and heartfelt. you made me tear up a bit, debbie van patterson-patton!
Welcome back! And trust me shug, we've all made that journey of self-exploration....some of us just need a road map because we got lost along the way. But remember, there is no such thing as a wrong turn as long as it brings you new experiences (unless I'm driving...then a wrong turn can get you cut).
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