WTF Jamie?

I have a discovered that I am a blog addict. I spend chunks of the day reading blogs. I have 11 that I check in on daily. Lately I have found myself clicking the button at the top that takes you to the next blog. I have even spent time looking at blogs written in different languages and trying to decipher what they mean. I have taken up commenting on other people's blogs too. Sometimes I just get caught up in the stories they share I felt like I was there with them or have experienced something that he/she was sharing. I keep waiting for someone to write me and ask why I was reading their blog. I guess I just need a distraction from time to time. I remember when I first discovered Friendster and how I would play on their everyday. I stopped when I noticed that a certain nameless friend of mine who I exposed to friendster became obsessed with it and starting stalking boyfriends with it. I just didn't want to be that guy. The blog thing is very raw and full of emotions and being a person who all too often uses emotion over logic, it is just my thing. I love to read about the adventures of strangers, it feels so intrusive, like spying.

The first time is the hardest they say, well I am not so sure it ever gets easier. I will go ahead and warn you this is going to be one of those jumbled messes I write from time to time that will most likely only make sense to me but I am always willing to share so if want to take a ride on my emotional roller coaster then hop aboard.

I am in a upbeat mood today but with alot on my mind:

It has been just a little over a year since finding Jamie or the truth and reality of Jamie today. I was never prepared but never really lost. Determined, optimistic, call to action, fighter, champion of the cause. I wore all these badges. I was ready to set out to change the world and perceptions of the uninformed and narrow minded. Inside I was frightened, lonely, heart broken, disappointed, reminiscent, vengeful, defeated, foolish, and dirty. I remained strong and kept these demons hidden for another time. I lifted my head and did not cry, I started to look at the world like I have never seen it before and may not see it again. I took up good habits and made changes for the better.


In this time I have learned that not everyone understands, not everyone will want to be a part of me, and not everyone is willing to accept my burden and look past it to see the real me. More important then knowing that some will reject me is learning that some will embrace me. I have been blessed to find friends that love me for who I am even with my faults and blunders, my hills and my valleys. It is those who really want to know me and truly love me that make me want to open my eyes everyday to face another day of reality.

As much as I love them it is too much for me to ask for them to know how I feel all the time. Most of the time I don't even really know, it is all still so new to me. I do know I long for love, friendship, compassion and understanding. I still hope for that someone to fill the void in my heart.

I ask to be understood. I ask to use reason instead of fear and snap judgments. Open up to me , I will open up to you and we can both see the world with new eyes.

Thanks to Mike I went to see Garbage at the Tabernacle last night and it was nothing short of kick ass. The only thing I would have changed was to eliminate the fat man rubbing up against me and the springy girl that was jumping all over Mike all night (I think 1 Red Bull is ok but I bet she had a case for dinner!).


I was thinking last night as Ms. Manson was calling me her bad boyfriend how gay men have their diva women. Gay men love Cher, Madonna, Whitney, Brittany and yes even Hillary (Muff I mean Duff, not to be confused with the great Mrs. Clinton). Well take them, those over blown, over paid pop princess are not worth the price of admission. Give me Shirley over them any day, the bitch is awesome. I grew up loving The Rolling Stones, STP, The Black Crows without many hard core women musicians in my lineup. I think Carol King is great, Sheryl Crow is amazing and Aretha will take the house down but I want a woman who will chew me up, spit me out and then rough me up a little. I still want to spend a night out with Anna Matronic (Scissor Sisters) but Ms. Shirley you made me sting and I want some more.

Let me apologize for my MIA from posting but work has had me running around like a mad man. So much to tell you that it may come out like a scoop of mash potatoes in a lunch room food fight but here goes:
#1) Randomly I took a trip to Myrtle Beach two weekends ago. It was like one second I was eating my eggs at breakfast and then the next I was in the car with Mike,Vic and Keri on a six hour road trip to the Red Neck Riviera! It was well needed to. Sometimes tacky times are the best. We cruised down the strip and laughed at the high school thugs on spring break, we ate at a crazy large all you can eat buffet, we played skee ball in the arcades, walked on the boardwalk, went shopping at the Gay Dolphin Gift Shop, and made friends with a single tooth, pink thong wearing bar wench at a townie bar. Hell we played miniature golf. Sometimes you just have to listen to Back and Black and Fancy in the same sitting.

#2) This weekend was the 5K that I have been planning for work for months. I have never been so happy with an event that I have planned. It was as close to perfection as they get. Thanks to all who supported me and helped. You guys are awesome!

#3) I have been spoiled. Never can I watch Showgirls again without audience participation. Thanks Mike for suggesting the midnight movie because I have never had so much fun at a movie. " I have a problem with pussy,” Preach on brother.

#4) This makes me mad: http://www.nytimes.com/2005/04/12/nyregion/12clinton.html I will never know why gay republicans exist. It might be the biggest oxymoron in the world.

Today I am gathered, calm , cool, collected (with exception to #4 which just ticks me off, I miss you Bill.) I am back on track so check in more because I have a lot more to say. Remember to remain silent is to approve so speak up and speak out, we still have that freedom, at least for now.