WTF Jamie?

I love to read other peoples blogs. Blogs are such a great form of self-expression BUT I have noticed a recurring trend. Blogs allow people to be passive aggressive with people, especially when they are angry. Even better sometimes you will read a blog where you know a person is wording the entry as a personal attack on someone who most likely will read it. Now I love reading these, kind of like watching "The Blogs of Our Lives." What I don't enjoy is passive aggressive approaches to say what you feel. Why are we so worried about speaking our mind and telling people when we are upset or hurt? People in general are afraid of putting themselves out there free of any defense. The result of this means people are bottling up emotions until they explode like that giant, firework, rocket your dad would never give you $50 to buy. I lived a large portion of my life like this. In recent years I have thought of how much this hurts the idea of open and honest relationships and have made efforts to speak my mind when I feel it is necessary. I wish I could say I do it all the time but I am still a work in progress. I will say however I am much happier when I do.

RANDOM SPEAKING MY MIND:

The fat free muffin I had today tasted like cotton....Like the kind you take out of a aspirin bottle.
I HATE reality TV but Project Runway is the best show ever! (Jay I want to be your friend!)
I was disappointed to learn that www.getoutofmyhead.com is taken cause I wanted that space.
I learned that good credit is required to open a savings account to save money to pay off your bad debt....WTF?!?

Yesterday was Valentines Day, how sweet. I tried to get in the spirit of things. I made cookies, wore a red striped "Where's Waldo" sweater and even bought little valentines which I never even gave out. In the words of Vic all I needed was a big sign around my neck that said "HOMO". The sad thing about it is I love being the dork. After years of trying to run from it I not only accept it but I strive for it. I like being a bit of a misfit and sitting on the cusp of it all. I am a bit sad I did not give out one valentine..... Damn You Voice of Reason!!!!!!!!

Anywho, I received my quickie horoscope today. I decided to include it below:

Quickie:You're letting your emotions get the better of you. Chill out, already!

Whoever writes these things.."GET OUT OF MY HEAD!!!!!"

I hope every single person out there has a wonderful day and feel good that they did not drop an ass load of money on someone last night. Yes I am bitter, I want flowers bitch!

# posted by J.F.Tobias @ 7:14 AM 0 comments

We talk a lot and have a a lot to say. Now how much of what we say really has any substance is a whole different issue. I often listen to people talk who speak only to make noise, so we know they exist but really add very little to conversation. I understand wanting to be heard but if you are going to say something please make it relevant and enlightening. I say this only because in all the talking we do, is the point lost and do we use meaningless conversation to cover and hide true, raw emotion. I think I do sometimes. If I like someone why can't I say "hey I like you, lets go out sometime." No I have to talk in circles, make the situation even more complicated and ruin any chance of the date ever happening. The world is flooded with extra fluff that dilutes the meaning of a simple phrase. When I say I love you I want it to be like you have never heard those words spoken before but when said you are overcome with a hot rush of emotion and know exactly what I mean and just how much I mean it. Too many words set to some meaningless promise only compromises the pure emotion this phrase sets forth. I use love as an example because today is the day of love but this transcends across the board. So with that being said I will stop talking now...

After melting down in my last entry I spent some time in reflection of why and also I am so emotional as of late. After a good conversation with a few people I realized I am just hormonal and that is ok. I am sexually frustrated (like most), and I realized I am emotionally lonely. I have all this great support around me but I do long for the right person to come in a fill this last void. I also realized I that I can't force that so it will happen when it does and I just have to deal with being funky from time to time. I also am overly apologetic for my emotions...I have to hold that one against my mother cause she hates for people to show raw emotion. I will work on that one but it may take some time.

I try to be as open as possible but I know there are issues I rarely let surface. Most often they play out like little skits in my head. I just don't like to complicate things with more issues. I am lucky to have great friends who are always open to letting me talk about my issues but often these are too difficult to put into words. My fears of lust and intimacy or of my thoughts of spaces between life and death can often sound grim and much darker than I intend them to be. I fear totally honesty especially when it comes to love and how my love will only complicate situations. I hate falling in love and never having the balls to expose it. I know we all fear something and it always seems to be looming over our shoulders ready to get us. I guess that my fear might be who I am, my real identity and it not being what people see from the surface. Wow this has turned into a moment of self-loathing and that is not me. I think I am on the emotional short bus again along with having a case of Keri's Cosmic Horn has got me all out of wack. I need to figure out what the hell is my problem and get back to this. More to come.....

I was out running errands yesterday when I decided to grab lunch at a chain restaurant, I won't say which one but man I love their salad bar!!! So there I was alone eating my salad when I overheard a man getting chatty with his waitress. He spoke on how he does pushups twice a week and how he worked as a waiter before and how he needed to know what all comes on top of the cheesecake. All the while this sweet waitress that spoke broken English just smiled and nodded her head in agreement waiting for her chance to break away. You know he didn't want her to leave because every time she though he was finished, he would start up some other crazy conversation, holding her captive with his words and her desire for a good tip. Listening to this I first said to myself, "what a weirdo" but the more he spoke the more I wanted to scream at him to shut up and let the poor girl be. Once I got a grip I realized that he just wanted to talk to someone and for someone to listen to him. He wasn't trying to be annoying, he was just painfully lonely. I was moved by his effort because I realize how sad it is to be lonely. The rest of the day I thought about this man and wondered how many like him are out there and could that happen to me? It was only fitting that I played Eleanor Rigby and wept a bit last night. With all the bad things in my life I still realize how lucky I am not to be alone.