Monday, January 31, 2005
Finding Our Place
I preach alot I know. I love to stand high above on my soap box and rattle off the things that make me crazy and angry and sad. Lately I have been stuck on the idea of conformity, so sit back as I climb on up.....
We walk through life trying to achieve the ideals placed in front of us. These ideals of life, of work, of health, of fashion and of love. We work hard to "blend in" and when we see someone who "sticks out" we point and snicker at them for being themselves. I often wonder if people spend some much time worrying about fitting in, do they forget who they are and what makes them special. It is only now on the brink that I see how much time I wasted in my youth worrying about "fitting in" and having an "ideal life." People disguise themselves for so long that when they finally do let go to their true form it is often too late and they are cold and hard to the world. Unable to see the beauty they have to offer.
Conformity is a killer. It takes your souls and chews it up. It hides art, and expression. It shortens our time to be us, to be free and to be happy. Worry not about what someone thinks of you and worry more about what you think about yourself.
We walk through life trying to achieve the ideals placed in front of us. These ideals of life, of work, of health, of fashion and of love. We work hard to "blend in" and when we see someone who "sticks out" we point and snicker at them for being themselves. I often wonder if people spend some much time worrying about fitting in, do they forget who they are and what makes them special. It is only now on the brink that I see how much time I wasted in my youth worrying about "fitting in" and having an "ideal life." People disguise themselves for so long that when they finally do let go to their true form it is often too late and they are cold and hard to the world. Unable to see the beauty they have to offer.
Conformity is a killer. It takes your souls and chews it up. It hides art, and expression. It shortens our time to be us, to be free and to be happy. Worry not about what someone thinks of you and worry more about what you think about yourself.
Thursday, January 06, 2005
Do you even know I am here?
The other day I was in the bathroom at work. Lets say I was studying in a stall. (ok that is usually way too personal for me to talk about but in this case it is relevant) So this guy walks in, uses the bathroom, washes his hands, turns the light off and leaves. Here I am alone in the dark bathroom stall wondering what to do? If I do not hurry to turn on the lights and someone else came in then they would think I was some freak sitting in the bathroom alone with the lights off. It made mad, then it made me think....
Do you even know I am here or do you pretend not to notice. What if I spoke out to you, so you would hear my voice, forcing you to recognize my existence. I know you see me but do you see what is really there? Alas, my voice is silenced by my fear of your rejection. Hoping that one day you will understand how I feel and then speak to me.
Do you even know I am here or do you pretend not to notice. What if I spoke out to you, so you would hear my voice, forcing you to recognize my existence. I know you see me but do you see what is really there? Alas, my voice is silenced by my fear of your rejection. Hoping that one day you will understand how I feel and then speak to me.
There are signs all around you.....
All you have to do is open your eyes.
I love words of wisdom. I like little sayings or song lyrics that I can identify to. I am always on the look out for them. Fortune cookies are the best because they are so vague that you can almost always identify with the words. I think what it does, at least for me, is force me to think how they apply to my current life and cause me to focus on the issues of the time. It's a great manipulation by the fortune cookie Mafia. I read my horoscope today. I have decided to paste it below:
Aquarius Horoscope for week of January 6, 2005
"I can't find nobody as crazy as me," mourns bluegrass singer Alison Krauss in her song, "Crazy as Me." You may have had that thought yourself on occasion, Aquarius, especially lately. But you don't have to feel that way anymore. More than one unusual character is hovering at the outskirts of your world. Say the word, and they will venture closer, raising your level of unpredictable experiences. That would mostly be a good thing, though not completely free of harrowing brushes with comic weirdness. Your watchword for the coming weeks comes from another singer, Thalia Zedek: "Trust not those...without some touch of madness."
Wow how did he know? I mean this is me. I do love crazy people.
BTW check out your own at http://www.freewillastrology.com/horoscopes/.
After some deep thought I started to wonder why I will listen to strangers and cookies but not the ones who know me well. I was told recently that I am harder on myself that anyone else. Well ok I am. Someone else said " I try so hard to make everyone else happy that I make myself miserable." I pretend not to hear them but I know it is true. I want so hard for everyone I care about to be happy that I often end up over extending myself and pissing people off. I would like to say that this will change but I am not sure I can. I really want to give as much as possible to as many people as possible. Hamlet had his flaw and I have mine.
So keep your eyes open for signs but keep your ears open to the wisdom of those who know you. Maybe one day we will listen.
I love words of wisdom. I like little sayings or song lyrics that I can identify to. I am always on the look out for them. Fortune cookies are the best because they are so vague that you can almost always identify with the words. I think what it does, at least for me, is force me to think how they apply to my current life and cause me to focus on the issues of the time. It's a great manipulation by the fortune cookie Mafia. I read my horoscope today. I have decided to paste it below:
Aquarius Horoscope for week of January 6, 2005
"I can't find nobody as crazy as me," mourns bluegrass singer Alison Krauss in her song, "Crazy as Me." You may have had that thought yourself on occasion, Aquarius, especially lately. But you don't have to feel that way anymore. More than one unusual character is hovering at the outskirts of your world. Say the word, and they will venture closer, raising your level of unpredictable experiences. That would mostly be a good thing, though not completely free of harrowing brushes with comic weirdness. Your watchword for the coming weeks comes from another singer, Thalia Zedek: "Trust not those...without some touch of madness."
Wow how did he know? I mean this is me. I do love crazy people.
BTW check out your own at http://www.freewillastrology.com/horoscopes/.
After some deep thought I started to wonder why I will listen to strangers and cookies but not the ones who know me well. I was told recently that I am harder on myself that anyone else. Well ok I am. Someone else said " I try so hard to make everyone else happy that I make myself miserable." I pretend not to hear them but I know it is true. I want so hard for everyone I care about to be happy that I often end up over extending myself and pissing people off. I would like to say that this will change but I am not sure I can. I really want to give as much as possible to as many people as possible. Hamlet had his flaw and I have mine.
So keep your eyes open for signs but keep your ears open to the wisdom of those who know you. Maybe one day we will listen.
Monday, January 03, 2005
Brain Purge
I know I normally talk in circles and make little sense of things but this entry is just a brain purge. I ride the emotional short bus and this is my dump truck of sorts. It may speak to you or it may just seem like a jumbled mess but hey that's me....
Flooded with emotions of confusion and excitement, of jealousy and bitterness, I open my heart to a brilliant darkness. It consumes me. I am neither lost nor mapped but in a state of emotional flux. People drift around me like ghost of the past as well as spirits of my future. Haunted with those of the past and at times frightened of those in my future. Your face is there and will not leave me. I am fine with you there but what does that mean? What am I being told and why does it feel right at the wrong time?
Beyond the reach of one individual there stands more. This time faces I love but never can complete. Always this sense that I have disappointed them, my friends, my loved ones. I investigate only to find even more anguish and sorrow. I strive for their happiness in my existence and wonder why the darkness follows me here?
This is for you... All of you. For all the love that stops just short and can never be what we want. It is for her and him and them and you. The faces that give me warmth with their smiles but often haunt my dreams. I love you.
Flooded with emotions of confusion and excitement, of jealousy and bitterness, I open my heart to a brilliant darkness. It consumes me. I am neither lost nor mapped but in a state of emotional flux. People drift around me like ghost of the past as well as spirits of my future. Haunted with those of the past and at times frightened of those in my future. Your face is there and will not leave me. I am fine with you there but what does that mean? What am I being told and why does it feel right at the wrong time?
Beyond the reach of one individual there stands more. This time faces I love but never can complete. Always this sense that I have disappointed them, my friends, my loved ones. I investigate only to find even more anguish and sorrow. I strive for their happiness in my existence and wonder why the darkness follows me here?
This is for you... All of you. For all the love that stops just short and can never be what we want. It is for her and him and them and you. The faces that give me warmth with their smiles but often haunt my dreams. I love you.
