Wednesday, April 20, 2005
The scarlet letter
The first time is the hardest they say, well I am not so sure it ever gets easier. I will go ahead and warn you this is going to be one of those jumbled messes I write from time to time that will most likely only make sense to me but I am always willing to share so if want to take a ride on my emotional roller coaster then hop aboard.
I am in a upbeat mood today but with alot on my mind:
It has been just a little over a year since finding Jamie or the truth and reality of Jamie today. I was never prepared but never really lost. Determined, optimistic, call to action, fighter, champion of the cause. I wore all these badges. I was ready to set out to change the world and perceptions of the uninformed and narrow minded. Inside I was frightened, lonely, heart broken, disappointed, reminiscent, vengeful, defeated, foolish, and dirty. I remained strong and kept these demons hidden for another time. I lifted my head and did not cry, I started to look at the world like I have never seen it before and may not see it again. I took up good habits and made changes for the better.
In this time I have learned that not everyone understands, not everyone will want to be a part of me, and not everyone is willing to accept my burden and look past it to see the real me. More important then knowing that some will reject me is learning that some will embrace me. I have been blessed to find friends that love me for who I am even with my faults and blunders, my hills and my valleys. It is those who really want to know me and truly love me that make me want to open my eyes everyday to face another day of reality.
As much as I love them it is too much for me to ask for them to know how I feel all the time. Most of the time I don't even really know, it is all still so new to me. I do know I long for love, friendship, compassion and understanding. I still hope for that someone to fill the void in my heart.
I ask to be understood. I ask to use reason instead of fear and snap judgments. Open up to me , I will open up to you and we can both see the world with new eyes.
I am in a upbeat mood today but with alot on my mind:
It has been just a little over a year since finding Jamie or the truth and reality of Jamie today. I was never prepared but never really lost. Determined, optimistic, call to action, fighter, champion of the cause. I wore all these badges. I was ready to set out to change the world and perceptions of the uninformed and narrow minded. Inside I was frightened, lonely, heart broken, disappointed, reminiscent, vengeful, defeated, foolish, and dirty. I remained strong and kept these demons hidden for another time. I lifted my head and did not cry, I started to look at the world like I have never seen it before and may not see it again. I took up good habits and made changes for the better.
In this time I have learned that not everyone understands, not everyone will want to be a part of me, and not everyone is willing to accept my burden and look past it to see the real me. More important then knowing that some will reject me is learning that some will embrace me. I have been blessed to find friends that love me for who I am even with my faults and blunders, my hills and my valleys. It is those who really want to know me and truly love me that make me want to open my eyes everyday to face another day of reality.
As much as I love them it is too much for me to ask for them to know how I feel all the time. Most of the time I don't even really know, it is all still so new to me. I do know I long for love, friendship, compassion and understanding. I still hope for that someone to fill the void in my heart.
I ask to be understood. I ask to use reason instead of fear and snap judgments. Open up to me , I will open up to you and we can both see the world with new eyes.
# posted by J.F.Tobias @ 11:10 AM 
Comments:
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you got me all teary-eyed, too, for a variety of reasons. sigh. thanks for sharing. heh -- no telling what those neighbors would have done had you actually *killed* the dog.
Every time I read this entry I cry. And sometimes not even for the reasons you might think. To steal a line from you, "it is hauntingly beautiful in the darkest of ways".
I long to kiss it and make it all better, but I can't. I just have to settle for being there when you need me and trying to know when to back away when you don't. I know there have been times when I've failed you as a friend but just know that even when I do or say the wrong thing, I do it with love in my heart. There is nothing in this world that could ever change that.
Someday you will find someone that will love you as much as I do AND be able to give everything that I can't. The problem is finding someone I think is worthy of you.
I'm not sure why I had to revisit this and pour all of this out, but I just kind of did. I think this was everything I wanted to say when I read it the first time and just couldn't.
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I long to kiss it and make it all better, but I can't. I just have to settle for being there when you need me and trying to know when to back away when you don't. I know there have been times when I've failed you as a friend but just know that even when I do or say the wrong thing, I do it with love in my heart. There is nothing in this world that could ever change that.
Someday you will find someone that will love you as much as I do AND be able to give everything that I can't. The problem is finding someone I think is worthy of you.
I'm not sure why I had to revisit this and pour all of this out, but I just kind of did. I think this was everything I wanted to say when I read it the first time and just couldn't.
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